The Recovering Worrier

As a recovering Worrier, you move out of learned helplessness and into the world. You employ the Strength compass point of your Self Compass, in rhythm with your Weakness compass point. In so doing, you relate more effectively with people, bringing a much needed virtue to those interactions: empathy for human pain.  

Virtue of Empathy

It’s not that the times of feeling lonely disappear. It’s more that when they come, you do something to alleviate them. 

• You actually get yourself to a new church group you’ve been thinking about checking out. 
• You stop yourself from disappearing the moment the Bible study is over. 
• You discipline yourself to stay at least five minutes and engage in some sort of conversation. 
• You’re good at listening and getting better at talking. 
• Even though it’s scary, you’re learning to stay with a feeling and express it, rather than avoid it.
• Now daring to express needs and wants, you do it in a humble manner, sensitive to the other person’s point of view. 

 

Worrier Self Compass

Mobilizing your Strength and Assertion compass points brings a depth dimension to the events of your day that before had seemed flat and dreary.

You develop rhythmic access to all four compass points, yet since you favor the Weakness compass point, you are in the enviable position to readily own that you don’t have all the answers, and that you need God’s help in handling everyday life.

This is how redeemed Worriers reveal their growth in actual behavior when they access the LAWS of the Self Compass. And the virtue of empathy bears fruit:

Worrier—virtue of empathy.

• Isn’t demanding or competitive.
• Sensitive rapport with others.
• Peacemaking. 
• Has a high frustration tolerance.
• Not motivated by status or material gain.
• Is especially tender toward children, animals, and those who suffer. 

With the infusion of compass virtues, the locus of the self has changed. No longer is it fragmented, imbalanced, stuck on one or more of the compass points. Instead, your personality is now grounded in a balanced, God-oriented center that holds.

Instead of predictably patterned behavior, the Self Compass now offers you 360 degrees of choice to use as appropriate for any given situation. Now you are freed to express yourself through your own individual style in Christ. Precious in his eyes, there is no one else like you, because “the very hairs of your head are all numbered” (Mt 10:30 NKJV).

For more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST

Controllers Can Play, Too. Really.

What happens when someone stuck in the Controller pattern (Compulsive Perfectionist Disorder) enlists the help of the Self Compass?

You start appreciating appreciating yourself more. 

That you possess the virtue of discipline. That you are:

• Conscientious, industrious, and reliable.
• Value self-discipline and stick-to-itiveness.
• Endorse social conventions and proprieties.
• Pillar of the community. 
• Emphasize rationality and logic.
• A champion of morality.

It's a relief to know that by enlisting the Self Compass LAWS of personality, the recovering Controller gets to relax. And play. Instead of relying entirely on the Strength compass point, you grow by drawing in the wisdom offered through the Weakness and Love compass points.  

Compulsive Perfectionist Disorder

• You find the grimness of constant competence replaced by tasks completed in due time without the need for perfection. 
• You organize yourself to have fun. 
• Going on walks for pleasure as much as exercise, you breathe in the air; listen for the sounds of a bird’s song. 
• The fillips of joy floating up from your belly, you realize, come only from letting go.

When you hear that inner judge start up with the old tirades of self-condemnation about how you should have done something better, you stop. I’m human, you say. The planet will carry on without me being perfect. 

Feelings of Joy

Other people become less of an annoyance and more of a gift. You are amazed to discover that when you move into the Weakness compass point and ask for help, others actually do assist you. Caringly. Even efficiently. It shocks you to feel tears in your eyes when this happens. 

Taking in more deeply that other people love you brings emotional vulnerability. That is uncomfortable. But you are good at persevering, so you allow yourself a degree of surrender, with discernment, to the untidy, not always controllable, world of feelings.

And you begin experiencing what Jesus had in mind when he said, “My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (Jn 14:27). 

Peace As Christ Gives

Instead of predictably patterned behavior, the Self Compass now offers you 360 degrees of choice to use as appropriate for any given situation. Now you are freed to express your own individual style in Christ. Precious in his eyes, there is no one else like you, because “the very hairs of your head are all numbered” (Mt 10:30).

For more, read: 

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality In Christ 

The Self Compass: Hope for Personality Disorders

There is a curious paradox rooted in personality patterns. Each of them possesses a particular virtue unique to that pattern. 

Yet it is only accessible by embracing your whole Self Compass. If you have been stuck on the Assertion compass point in the Rule-breaker pattern, for example, it is only by embracing the caring of the Love compass point that you reap the virtue of creativity inherent in the Rule-breaker pattern.

This is because true creativity requires caring for others. Without it, creativity deteriorates into manipulative ploys to deceive. But once Rule-breakers reach for the Love compass point, energy used for deception shifts to creative enhancement of others' lives as well as sincere self-expression.

As rigid patterns fall away, in their stead comes the harvest of your labor: Compass Virtues. Virtues that can now sprout forth as fruits of the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:22). Why? Because you are surrendering your patterns to the Lord. 

Here are the Compass Virtues charted on the Self Compass:

Compass Virtues

• The Dependent Pleaser and Histrionic Storyteller patterns yield to the Love compass point virtues of charity and good cheer. 
• The Paranoid Arguer and Antisocial Rule-breaker patterns give way to the Assertion compass point virtues of courage and creativity. 
• The Avoidant Worrier and Schizoid Loner patterns transform into the Weakness compass point virtues of empathy and objectivity. 
• And the Narcissistic Boaster and Compulsive Controller patterns find wholeness in the Strength compass point virtues of autonomy and discipline.

The rhythmic and self-correcting polarities of Love, Assertion, Weakness and Strength, combined with a deep reliance on Christ, support your transformation from the inside out.

Notice how a person’s trust in God anchors the center of the Self Compass. Most of the time, serenity replaces the fear produced by personality patterns when you “trust in the Lord with all your heart” (Prov 3:5).

Jesus encourages us in this hope for personality transformation when he says, "You will know them by their fruits" (Matthew 7:16).

For more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST

How To Counter the Non-Stop Talker

The Storyteller patterned person wants your total attention as long as you’re willing to give it.  

Non-stop Talking

How do you interrupt a steady stream of non-stop talking? By practicing some polite conversation stoppers.

1. A touch on the arm, and, “Paula, I’m feeling overloaded right now. You’re giving me so many details that I lose track of what you’re really saying.”
2. “I’m glad you had a good time at the party, Ryan. I need to get back to work.” Stand up and walk away, with a polite “See you later.”
3. Agree that something is indeed exciting, then ask, “Would you be interested in hearing something I have to say?”

Watch for a phrase or topic that triggers something you want to talk about and then step in to forcefully change the subject. You’re not being rude, just shifting the person’s monologue into a dialogue.

When you consistently give into the onslaught of storytelling, inner resentment can make you miserable, helping neither you nor the person caught in the histrionic Storyteller pattern.

If someone with the Storyteller pattern negatively impacts your life:

1. Use caring assertion to say when you’ve had enough. 
2. Make sure you get time alone to recover. 
3. If they seek help, refer them to this book: The Self Compass: Charting Your Personality in Christ.
4. Suggest prayer and pastoral counseling. 
5. If you’re willing to support them in their growth, discuss how that might work.

Here is Carmen dealing with her boyfriend Boone’s Storyteller pattern. They have met after work and Boone is in full swing:

“So anyway, I just had the best time at the gym. They just redecorated the whole place. I don’t know if you’ve been recently but I was so surprised to see the new carpeting and they’ve totally repainted the men’s locker room. Say, did I tell you I had lunch with Ernesto? I met him in the men’s locker room, see, and we discovered that we both really like to play pool. There’s this cool place he knows about that I’ve never been to, but I’d love to take you sometime. How about tonight? Want to try it out? I can teach you the basic strokes. It’d be fun, huh, Carmen? Anyway, I found out how to…” 

Head Spinning

Her head spinning, Carmen touches Boone on his arm and waits until he stops talking and gives her eye contact.

“Boone.” She smiles as she sighs. “I got overwhelmed with all that you just told me. I think I took in that the gym’s been redecorated, but I lost you after that.” 

Carmen takes his hand. “Can you tell me just one short thing you really want to get across to me and leave it at that?”

Boone looks down. “I know I get too excited sometimes. It’s just that…” He bites his lip. “Okay. Here goes. One thing. Would you like to play pool with me tonight?”

Carmen grins and hugs him. "I'd love to!"

For more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS:

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST

It's Hard to Relate to A Marshmallow: The Dependent Personality Disorder

Most of us realize the difficulties relating to someone who is aggressive or bossy. We're often less aware of the difficulties of relating to someone stuck in the Dependent Pleaser Personality Disorder, especially in a couples relationship.

Being married to a Pleaser can feel like you're relate to a marshmallow. You keep trying to get the person's real point of view and take a stand on something but end up with nothing but impenetrable, yet sticky, sweetness.  

It's Hard to Relate to A Marshmallow

Utilizing the power of a whole Self Compass helps counter the marshmallow effects of the Pleaser pattern. Here's how.

HOW THE SELF COMPASS TRANSFORMS THE PLEASER PATTERN 

Janice is married to Greg, who is learning how to counter the effects of her Pleaser pattern. She is motivated to change, and has agreed that Greg can address this with her tactfully.

Greg is with Janice as she ends a phone conversation with their grown son, David: “Of course, dear. I’d be glad to baby-sit for you. You both need a break when you’re looking after two little children.”

Janice hangs up the phone and turns to Greg. “I hope you don’t mind, dear, but I just agreed to baby-sit next weekend for David and Sharon. David said they really need a break.”

Greg looks at her, concerned. “Guess you didn’t remember that we have plans for a get-away next weekend.” (Notice how Greg keeps his cool, explains the problem, and lets Janice feel the tension.)

Janice’s hand goes to her mouth. “Oh, that’s right. Oh, I’m so sorry. I forgot. I heard the stress in David’s voice and I just couldn’t say no.”

“Okay. What about calling him back and telling him what you just told me? You could baby-sit the following weekend.”

Janice leans forward. “Oh my, I just don’t know. I hate to disappoint them. They’re having a hard time of it lately. I worry that their marriage won’t stand the stress. Could we change our plans for the following weekend?”

Greg frowns. “Whoa. This doesn’t feel good to me. You’re placing our relationship a definite second here because of your need to please David. That hurts.” (Greg uses Assertion to express his feelings).

Janice winces. “I’m so sorry, Greg.”

Greg stops himself from reassuring her that it’s okay. “I agree that David and Sharon need a break. But they don’t even know about our plans.” Greg looks at her and says softly, “It’s your choice, Janice.” (Greg uses the Strength compass point to keep from rescuing her and the Love compass point to reach out to her.)

Janice tears up and reaches for a tissue. “I need to think and pray about this for a little while,” she murmurs. She heads to the bedroom. Ten minutes later she emerges, a look of relief in her eyes.

Janice smiles as she sits down by Greg. “I just called David and told him about our plans. I’m going to baby-sit the following weekend so you and I can have our date.” She puts her arms around him. “Thanks for your honesty, honey.”

The Self Compass

HOW GREG AND JANICE USE THE WHOLE SELF COMPASS 

1. Greg expresses his feelings with caring assertion and holds with his point of view even though he knows that it will be uncomfortable for Janice to hear. 
2. He does not take over for Janice. 
3. He gives her the opportunity to take responsibility for her actions. 
4. Greg's holding the tension allows Janice to assert herself.

1. Janice diplomatically stands up for her marriage in her relationship with her son. 
2. Janice gives her son new information and offers an alternative. 
3. She demonstrates that she shares Greg's priority of placing their marriage first. 
4. No longer manipulating her family by being overly sweet, Janice is becoming her own kind yet assertive self.

 For more, read: 

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality in Christ

Moses and The Worrier Pattern

In the Book of Exodus, God asks Moses to meet with Pharaoh and demand that the Hebrew slaves be set free.

And Moses’ reply? He exclaims, “But I’m not the person for a job like that!” (Ex 3:11).

God makes several more requests, and Moses responds:

O Lord, I’m just not a good speaker. I never have been, and I’m not now, even after you have spoken to me. 
I have a speech impediment. 
Lord, please! Send someone else. 
But look, my own people won’t even listen to me anymore; how can I expect Pharaoh to? I’m no orator!

Many people think of Moses as one of the strongest personalities in the Bible. But when God initially approaches him, Moses responds in the Worrier pattern: “I can’t do it and that’s that.” Ultimately, though, Moses’ meekness becomes the fulcrum for an eventual wholeness and friendship with God.

Like other people stuck on the Weakness compass point, Moses is plagued with self-doubt about his identity. An abandoned Hebrew child who grows up in Pharaoh’s palace, he never truly fits in. He wonders if he is Egyptian royalty or a Hebrew slave. He ends up ill-at-ease around everybody, as is typical of the Worrier. One day a crisis develops when he observes an Egyptian guard beating an Israelite mud worker. Moses’ repressed feelings erupt and he murders the guard, burying the body in the sand. When Pharaoh hears about it, he seeks to kill Moses.

Moses avoids his social troubles as Worriers do—he withdraws to Midian, a desert wilderness where he lives for forty years. He names a son Gershom, meaning “foreigner,” for Moses says, “I am a stranger in a foreign land” (Ex 2:22 TLB). 

The Self Compass and the Worrier Pattern

The Worrier pattern cuts you off from the Strength compass point. You shrink from the risks required for an actualizing personality in Christ. Disconnected from the Assertion compass point, you avoid standing up for yourself. Not exercising the Love compass point, you become incapable of giving and receiving trust and affection. You end up feeling all alone.

Leveraged out on the Weakness compass point, the Worrier withdraws from social situations, yet longs to participate in life. You lose the virtue of healthy weakness—its humility and empathy—and instead become helpless and held back by procrastination. “I’ll do it someday.” But that someday never comes.

God knew Moses’ potential for personality wholeness. After appearing to him in the burning bush, the Lord led him on a journey to make real his potential. Moses did not come around easily, but he cooperated enough to face his Worrier pattern.

Moses kept talking to God. Though he dragged his feet and complained a fair amount, Moses followed God’s directives. The result? Moses underwent a gradual but effective personality transformation.

Exodus describes how Moses confronted Pharaoh (Assertion compass point), encouraged people to trust in God (Love compass point), led the Israelites through the Red Sea (Strength compass point), and on Mount Sinai humbly received the Ten Commandments (Weakness compass point).

Slowly, Moses developed into a humbly competent leader, with great compassion for the people he led.

For more on how to do outgrow the Avoidant Worrier personality pattern like Moses did, read:

THE SELF COMPASS:

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST

Grow Christlike with The Youth Self Compass!

Jesus cares about your personality. He wants you to know what you're like as a person and how to change any parts that need changing.  

Check out the diagram below to see how the Youth Self Compass makes sense of personality.

The Self Compass is just that: a compass that points the way to personality health. First, notice where the LAWS of personality are located: Everybody needs a balance of LOVE and ASSERTION, WEAKNESS and STRENGTH compass points. 

Jesus is the only person who ever had a perfect balance of these compass points. The Gospels, like Matthew or John, show how Jesus was caring and brave, as well as humble and confident, depending on the situation. 

The rest of us get stuck out of balance on one or more of the compass points. Think of yourself or friends or family members you know. Do see where you or they may be stuck?

If  you point to the "Too nice" or "Pleaser" it means being stuck on the LOVE compass point without enough ASSERTION.

If you choose "Mean" or "Sneaky" it means being stuck on the ASSERTION compass point without enough LOVE.

It's simple but not always easy to change. Your goal is to combine LOVE with ASSERTION. That way you balance out your Self Compass with more choices about how to act. You can choose to be kind, yet still say what you think. 

What happens over time? You find yourself being Caring and Brave instead of  mean or overly agreeable. 

What about the "Worries" or "Pulls back" part of the diagram? This means a person is stuck on the WEAKNESS compass point without enough STRENGTH.

If you choose "Bossy" or "Complains" it means you're stuck on the STRENGTH compass point without enough WEAKNESS. 

The Self Compass answer? We all need to combine both WEAKNESS and STRENGTH to develop a balanced personality. 

Instead of being a know-it-all, or saying, "I can't" too much, you can choose to humbly admit your mistakes and take action to correct them. This is how you grow in becoming Humble and Confident.  

The cool thing is that the Holy Spirit is right there to help you when you pray to become more of your real self in Christ. With the Youth Self Compass as a guide, you can grow more like Jesus, the best model you could ever have!

For more on how to do this, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality In Christ

Are You An Antisocial Rule-breaker?

The Antisocial Rule-breaker personality pattern (or personality disorder) relies on a set of unconscious assumptions that directly affect how you perceive, think, feel, and act.

Emotional Dynamics

The Antisocial Rule-breaker pattern requires you to deny and conceal your real emotions. Thick-skinned and self-contained, you treat people like pawns in the chess game of life. You avoid sincere communication because you don’t want to cultivate intimacy, which could give other people control over you. You suspect those who show you goodwill, believing it to be an attempt to exploit. 

The Rule-breaker pattern triggers emotions that stem from social resentment: hostility toward authority, anger when challenged, frustration in the face of delayed gratification, excitement when conning someone, and pleasure when outsmarting people. The price paid for these defensive tactics? Chronic inner emptiness and feelings of alienation from life and God.

Rule-breaker Body Language

It seems like you gaze directly, conveying a fearless nonchalance. You’re actually sizing up a person for any signs of trust you can exploit.

How about the soft, seductive look? It beguiles people to feel curious and intrigued. They sense your creative flair, but don’t know it will be used against them.

Then there’s the innocent smile. This look says, “You can trust me with your deepest secret. I’ve been around and I can help you out in life. You need someone like me to take care of things.”  

The apostle Paul understood this pattern: “By smooth talk and glowing words they deceive innocent people” (Rom 16:18 NLT).

Rule-breaker Self-Talk

The automatic self-talk of the Rule-breaker pattern focuses on self against the world, and sounds like this:

• I need to look out for myself.
• It’s all right for me to say one thing and do another.
• If I don’t take advantage of people, someone else will.
• Following rules is stupid. Take what you can get and run.
• I get a thrill from breaking rules and thumbing my nose at authority.

The Antisocial Rule-breaker Pattern in Action

I am relaying a true story, camouflaging the details, of an experience I had years ago. 

Dr. S. was an ambitious young psychiatrist with a thriving practice who wanted to share my office space with me. He seemed friendly and professional, so I agreed. I liked his gift of the gab and boisterous, off-the-wall humor.

I really enjoyed the first month of our association. Dr. S. would come bouncing into the clinic, brimming with energy and cracking jokes. But by the third month his happy-go-lucky smile had waned. He came to my office and said that the IRS was giving him problems. Could I pay his portion of the month’s rent? He said he’d pay me back the following month.

But he didn’t.

“You’re first on my list, Danny boy. I’m expecting some checks to arrive any day now from my patients’ insurance claims.”

But that day never came.

In our seventh month together, Dr. S. asked if he could try out one of the personality assessments that I used with my clients. “I’d like to borrow your computer’s scoring code so I can score one test,” he said. “I’ll pay you for it next week.”

Since I was used to trusting professional colleagues, I agreed. So I was shocked when I received a sizable bill from the testing company. Dr. S. had processed twenty of these pricey tests under my name.

I confronted him.

I would never do such a thing,” Dr. S. protested. “The company has obviously made a mistake. I’ll phone them right now and get it straightened out.”

He sounded so sincere that I questioned my judgment.

The worst was yet to come. The following week, Dr. S. entered my office, looking crestfallen. “Dan, buddy, I’m real sorry about this, but the insurance companies are hassling me big time. I’m going to have to declare bankruptcy. I’ll have to write off the money I owe you.” He smiled sorrowfully and walked out.

Finally acknowledging the reality of a Rule-breaker pattern in action, that week I dissolved our association and found a new office.

Dr. S. wrote me a scathing letter. “I’m appalled at your disloyalty. You are not a true friend!”

For more on the Antisocial Rule-breaker personality pattern, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality In Christ