How To Know If You're A Worrier

People who make worrying a way of life have developed a Worrier thought pattern made up of automatic self-talk. Worrier self-talk is frequently self-demeaning, and sounds like this:

• If others really knew me, they’d reject me.
• No matter how hard I try, nothing works out—I may as well give up.
• Dreams and fantasy are better than reality.
• No one is as scared and embarrassed as I am.

The Emotional Life of A Worrier

Worrier pattern feelings swim in a confusing undercurrent of sadness, tension, and tentativeness. You long for affection, yet fear rebuff. Since you are so introspective, you’re acutely aware of these painful feelings. Yet you refuse to face or discuss them. More often than not, your solution to this turmoil is a self-protective state of numbness. 

Another strategy for surviving this discomfort? Fantasy. Worriers often substitute daydreams for direct involvement in life. But fantasies only point out the vast discrepancy between your imagined life and your daily reality.

Loneliness is common. Because your emotions are so blocked, you may redirect the need for self-expression into reading romance novels or writing soul-searching poetry. Lacking close friends or confidants, you may rely on a companion like a pet cat or dog who will not reject you.

How Did You Develop the Worrier Pattern?

Children who subsequently adopt the Worrier pattern usually experience loving nurturance from their family of origin. They develop an attachment bond that motivates them toward social contact with others. But then they are often subjected to regular humiliation. They can be criticized for not doing things perfectly by an overly judgmental parent, or may be mocked or shunned for mistakes.

Shauna was pampered for her lovability until the age of six, when she entered school. Her father highly valued academics. When Shauna had difficulty learning to read, her father perceived her as intellectually slow. As an adult caught in the Worrier pattern, Shauna recalled how demolished she felt when her father would call her “Dummy.”

Some children are particularly sensitive to criticism from their parents because they are genetically predisposed to shyness. It is normal for such children to pull back for a time, or cry, when faced with new or strange situations. If their parents respond with ridicule or anxiety, it reinforces the children’s reserve. And they begin worrying that they are somehow flawed.   

Learning theory suggests a “learned helplessness” to explain withdrawn behavior. This can develop by repeated experiences of fearful events over which people perceive they have no control, resulting in a paralysis of the will.

How To Change From Negative to Constructive Thinking

Eric e-mailed me, showing beginning signs of progress in changing his Worrier-patterned thoughts:

I wonder if God is going to leave me stuck like this the rest of my life. Other people are living their lives. It seems like I’m always left far behind. Yes, I know I’m supposed to think positive, but it’s hard when I feel so closed up. But I did go out for a walk today after work. And when I called my girlfriend, I stopped myself from dumping on her about how down I felt. I think the new antidepressant is working too, because this morning I woke up feeling lighter. I actually thanked God for the sunny day.

For more on how to transform the Worrier personality pattern, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST 

 

Moses and The Worrier Pattern

In the Book of Exodus, God asks Moses to meet with Pharaoh and demand that the Hebrew slaves be set free.

And Moses’ reply? He exclaims, “But I’m not the person for a job like that!” (Ex 3:11).

God makes several more requests, and Moses responds:

O Lord, I’m just not a good speaker. I never have been, and I’m not now, even after you have spoken to me. 
I have a speech impediment. 
Lord, please! Send someone else. 
But look, my own people won’t even listen to me anymore; how can I expect Pharaoh to? I’m no orator!

Many people think of Moses as one of the strongest personalities in the Bible. But when God initially approaches him, Moses responds in the Worrier pattern: “I can’t do it and that’s that.” Ultimately, though, Moses’ meekness becomes the fulcrum for an eventual wholeness and friendship with God.

Like other people stuck on the Weakness compass point, Moses is plagued with self-doubt about his identity. An abandoned Hebrew child who grows up in Pharaoh’s palace, he never truly fits in. He wonders if he is Egyptian royalty or a Hebrew slave. He ends up ill-at-ease around everybody, as is typical of the Worrier. One day a crisis develops when he observes an Egyptian guard beating an Israelite mud worker. Moses’ repressed feelings erupt and he murders the guard, burying the body in the sand. When Pharaoh hears about it, he seeks to kill Moses.

Moses avoids his social troubles as Worriers do—he withdraws to Midian, a desert wilderness where he lives for forty years. He names a son Gershom, meaning “foreigner,” for Moses says, “I am a stranger in a foreign land” (Ex 2:22 TLB). 

The Self Compass and the Worrier Pattern

The Worrier pattern cuts you off from the Strength compass point. You shrink from the risks required for an actualizing personality in Christ. Disconnected from the Assertion compass point, you avoid standing up for yourself. Not exercising the Love compass point, you become incapable of giving and receiving trust and affection. You end up feeling all alone.

Leveraged out on the Weakness compass point, the Worrier withdraws from social situations, yet longs to participate in life. You lose the virtue of healthy weakness—its humility and empathy—and instead become helpless and held back by procrastination. “I’ll do it someday.” But that someday never comes.

God knew Moses’ potential for personality wholeness. After appearing to him in the burning bush, the Lord led him on a journey to make real his potential. Moses did not come around easily, but he cooperated enough to face his Worrier pattern.

Moses kept talking to God. Though he dragged his feet and complained a fair amount, Moses followed God’s directives. The result? Moses underwent a gradual but effective personality transformation.

Exodus describes how Moses confronted Pharaoh (Assertion compass point), encouraged people to trust in God (Love compass point), led the Israelites through the Red Sea (Strength compass point), and on Mount Sinai humbly received the Ten Commandments (Weakness compass point).

Slowly, Moses developed into a humbly competent leader, with great compassion for the people he led.

For more on how to do outgrow the Avoidant Worrier personality pattern like Moses did, read:

THE SELF COMPASS:

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST