The Recovering Worrier

As a recovering Worrier, you move out of learned helplessness and into the world. You employ the Strength compass point of your Self Compass, in rhythm with your Weakness compass point. In so doing, you relate more effectively with people, bringing a much needed virtue to those interactions: empathy for human pain.  

Virtue of Empathy

It’s not that the times of feeling lonely disappear. It’s more that when they come, you do something to alleviate them. 

• You actually get yourself to a new church group you’ve been thinking about checking out. 
• You stop yourself from disappearing the moment the Bible study is over. 
• You discipline yourself to stay at least five minutes and engage in some sort of conversation. 
• You’re good at listening and getting better at talking. 
• Even though it’s scary, you’re learning to stay with a feeling and express it, rather than avoid it.
• Now daring to express needs and wants, you do it in a humble manner, sensitive to the other person’s point of view. 

 

Worrier Self Compass

Mobilizing your Strength and Assertion compass points brings a depth dimension to the events of your day that before had seemed flat and dreary.

You develop rhythmic access to all four compass points, yet since you favor the Weakness compass point, you are in the enviable position to readily own that you don’t have all the answers, and that you need God’s help in handling everyday life.

This is how redeemed Worriers reveal their growth in actual behavior when they access the LAWS of the Self Compass. And the virtue of empathy bears fruit:

Worrier—virtue of empathy.

• Isn’t demanding or competitive.
• Sensitive rapport with others.
• Peacemaking. 
• Has a high frustration tolerance.
• Not motivated by status or material gain.
• Is especially tender toward children, animals, and those who suffer. 

With the infusion of compass virtues, the locus of the self has changed. No longer is it fragmented, imbalanced, stuck on one or more of the compass points. Instead, your personality is now grounded in a balanced, God-oriented center that holds.

Instead of predictably patterned behavior, the Self Compass now offers you 360 degrees of choice to use as appropriate for any given situation. Now you are freed to express yourself through your own individual style in Christ. Precious in his eyes, there is no one else like you, because “the very hairs of your head are all numbered” (Mt 10:30 NKJV).

For more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST

How To Know If You're A Worrier

People who make worrying a way of life have developed a Worrier thought pattern made up of automatic self-talk. Worrier self-talk is frequently self-demeaning, and sounds like this:

• If others really knew me, they’d reject me.
• No matter how hard I try, nothing works out—I may as well give up.
• Dreams and fantasy are better than reality.
• No one is as scared and embarrassed as I am.

The Emotional Life of A Worrier

Worrier pattern feelings swim in a confusing undercurrent of sadness, tension, and tentativeness. You long for affection, yet fear rebuff. Since you are so introspective, you’re acutely aware of these painful feelings. Yet you refuse to face or discuss them. More often than not, your solution to this turmoil is a self-protective state of numbness. 

Another strategy for surviving this discomfort? Fantasy. Worriers often substitute daydreams for direct involvement in life. But fantasies only point out the vast discrepancy between your imagined life and your daily reality.

Loneliness is common. Because your emotions are so blocked, you may redirect the need for self-expression into reading romance novels or writing soul-searching poetry. Lacking close friends or confidants, you may rely on a companion like a pet cat or dog who will not reject you.

How Did You Develop the Worrier Pattern?

Children who subsequently adopt the Worrier pattern usually experience loving nurturance from their family of origin. They develop an attachment bond that motivates them toward social contact with others. But then they are often subjected to regular humiliation. They can be criticized for not doing things perfectly by an overly judgmental parent, or may be mocked or shunned for mistakes.

Shauna was pampered for her lovability until the age of six, when she entered school. Her father highly valued academics. When Shauna had difficulty learning to read, her father perceived her as intellectually slow. As an adult caught in the Worrier pattern, Shauna recalled how demolished she felt when her father would call her “Dummy.”

Some children are particularly sensitive to criticism from their parents because they are genetically predisposed to shyness. It is normal for such children to pull back for a time, or cry, when faced with new or strange situations. If their parents respond with ridicule or anxiety, it reinforces the children’s reserve. And they begin worrying that they are somehow flawed.   

Learning theory suggests a “learned helplessness” to explain withdrawn behavior. This can develop by repeated experiences of fearful events over which people perceive they have no control, resulting in a paralysis of the will.

How To Change From Negative to Constructive Thinking

Eric e-mailed me, showing beginning signs of progress in changing his Worrier-patterned thoughts:

I wonder if God is going to leave me stuck like this the rest of my life. Other people are living their lives. It seems like I’m always left far behind. Yes, I know I’m supposed to think positive, but it’s hard when I feel so closed up. But I did go out for a walk today after work. And when I called my girlfriend, I stopped myself from dumping on her about how down I felt. I think the new antidepressant is working too, because this morning I woke up feeling lighter. I actually thanked God for the sunny day.

For more on how to transform the Worrier personality pattern, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST