Controllers Can Play, Too. Really.

What happens when someone stuck in the Controller pattern (Compulsive Perfectionist Disorder) enlists the help of the Self Compass?

You start appreciating appreciating yourself more. 

That you possess the virtue of discipline. That you are:

• Conscientious, industrious, and reliable.
• Value self-discipline and stick-to-itiveness.
• Endorse social conventions and proprieties.
• Pillar of the community. 
• Emphasize rationality and logic.
• A champion of morality.

It's a relief to know that by enlisting the Self Compass LAWS of personality, the recovering Controller gets to relax. And play. Instead of relying entirely on the Strength compass point, you grow by drawing in the wisdom offered through the Weakness and Love compass points.  

Compulsive Perfectionist Disorder

• You find the grimness of constant competence replaced by tasks completed in due time without the need for perfection. 
• You organize yourself to have fun. 
• Going on walks for pleasure as much as exercise, you breathe in the air; listen for the sounds of a bird’s song. 
• The fillips of joy floating up from your belly, you realize, come only from letting go.

When you hear that inner judge start up with the old tirades of self-condemnation about how you should have done something better, you stop. I’m human, you say. The planet will carry on without me being perfect. 

Feelings of Joy

Other people become less of an annoyance and more of a gift. You are amazed to discover that when you move into the Weakness compass point and ask for help, others actually do assist you. Caringly. Even efficiently. It shocks you to feel tears in your eyes when this happens. 

Taking in more deeply that other people love you brings emotional vulnerability. That is uncomfortable. But you are good at persevering, so you allow yourself a degree of surrender, with discernment, to the untidy, not always controllable, world of feelings.

And you begin experiencing what Jesus had in mind when he said, “My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (Jn 14:27). 

Peace As Christ Gives

Instead of predictably patterned behavior, the Self Compass now offers you 360 degrees of choice to use as appropriate for any given situation. Now you are freed to express your own individual style in Christ. Precious in his eyes, there is no one else like you, because “the very hairs of your head are all numbered” (Mt 10:30).

For more, read: 

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality In Christ 

Jesus Handled Controlling People: How Can You?

It is a hard, clear blue sky this afternoon in Judea when Jesus speaks. The crowds come. And come, from villages all around. They press in. Pushing closer, to hear his words. His disciples with him, Jesus preaches, his voice penetrating the desert air, reaching the hearts open to his word.

But someone interrupts him, to say that his family has arrived. They wish to speak with him, but are unable to get through the densely packed crowds to his side.

What is Jesus’ response? He says his family are those all about him, not limited by birth. Jesus refuses to let his family presume upon him and his mission (Matthew 12:46-50).

Jesus Preaching

What Is The Controlling Personality Pattern?

Jesus uses the Assertion compass point to withstand the Controlling Pattern. The Self Compass shows how the Controller pattern exaggerates a sense of competence. Without humility from the Weakness compass point, Controllers consider any opinion of theirs as the right opinion. Other people benefit when told how to think and act. It's only being helpful. 

Unknowingly, Controllers labor under the heavy burden of perfectionism, sometimes called the “tyranny of the shoulds.” Even though it’s impossible to achieve perfection, they're always striving to do so.  This curse of perfectionism yields bitter fruit. It isolates the person and torments others. Without caring from the Love compass point, the Controller pattern drives out joy, replacing it with a certain dictatorial grimness. It keeps Controllers from nurturing, forgiving, or having much fun. 

Compulsive Controller Personality Disorder

“They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear," Jesus says, "and lay them on the shoulders of others; but they themselves are unwilling to lift a finger to move them” (Matthew 23:4).

How It Feels To Be Around Controlling People

Someone living with the Controller pattern can feel this way:

• My spouse has the answers.
• My job is to obey all my spouse’s correctives because I’m incompetent. At times, I feel downright stupid.
• I want to act like a child, blow my stack. Pout.
• Which brings on the imperious censure even more full throttle.
• I feel demeaned. Deflated.
• I am an adult, yet constantly judged for my driving capability, for my grammar, for the way I give our child a bath, fill a dishwasher, make a bed.
• Somewhere there is fury.
• Certainly shame. 

Person Feeling Judged

Ways to Counter The Controlling Pattern

1. At home, calmly speak about how you feel, making full use of your Self Compass tools of caring assertion and humble confidence: 

"I feel like I can't do anything right these days. That doesn't feel good. It feels kind of grim to be around you. Not much fun."

2. Suggest ways that would work for you: 

"It would help me if you can you go more easy with your comments, maybe throw in a few compliments here and there?"

3. At work, use diplomatic assertion with a compulsive perfectionist boss:

"Yes, for sure I'm as keen as you are for me to turn in a topnotch Year End report. In order to do that, however, I will still need to turn it in tomorrow as we had previously agreed, rather than today as you're asking."

For more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS:

Charting Your Personality in Christ