Do You Talk Too Much? The Self Compass Explains Why

“I tell you, Mario, my life with women...” Alex grins ruefully. “They come and they go. I just never know…”

Alex’s smile fades, then his eyes light up. “Anyway, have you met the new trainer at the gym? Carla? She’s stunning. Really knows her stuff, too.” He leans closer to Mario, making sure of eye contact. “I’ll introduce you. You’ll love her. Say, did you hear that Harold got into it with his manager and left his new job…”         

For the person stuck in the Histrionic Storyteller personality pattern, life is an endless saga of emotional ups and downs. Feelings govern you. Everything is either absolutely marvelous or entirely catastrophic. Whatever you feel at the moment is how you behave. It’s like the base thumping from a car radio at full volume. It reverberates in everyone’s ears within hearing distance.  

 

Emotional Ups and Downs

The Storyteller pattern brings unconscious, yet predictable thoughts to your daily interactions. Your self-talk sounds like this:

• I am only important if other people are showing interest in me.
• I only have worth to the degree that I emotionally impact others.
• I am significant in proportion to how many people know and like me.

This mindset creates a compelling urge to capture and keep people’s attention, even if this requires shocking remarks, reciting one’s latest woes, walking off in a huff, or sharing a juicy morsel of gossip.

Need To Keep In The Spotlight

When you’re not in the spotlight, as a defense against feeling insignificant, you scan conversations at a superficial level until it triggers something related to you. Then bingo. You dive right in. This is called selective listening. You don’t take in what people are sharing about themselves or their interests. You might say that people are needed accessories for your agenda of self-promotion.

Challenge The Histrionic Storyteller Pattern by Transforming Thoughts to:

• I am a worthwhile person with strengths and weaknesses, and I choose to accept myself.
• I can express myself to others with color and enthusiasm, but I will take the time and exercise the skill to really hear what they are saying to me.
• I can communicate better without exaggeration and emotional displays than with them.

Growth into Your Real Self in Christ:

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Advancing beyond the Storyteller pattern requires the willingness to move into the Weakness compass point. Not easy, to admit the need for less self-absorption, more sensitivity to other’s feelings. Yet if you pray for God to grant you more humility, He will. “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you in due time” (1 Pet 6:5).

In the New Testament the apostle Peter initially displayed the Storyteller pattern in his relationship with Jesus. Peter often acted impetuously. He jumped into the Sea of Galilee to walk on water. He talked so much at Jesus’ transfiguration, it was hard for the Father to get a word in edgewise (Mt 17:5). He cut off the ear of the high priest’s servant when Jesus was arrested.

But in the wake of his baptism in the Holy Spirit, Peter acquired a more balanced use of his Love, Weakness, and Strength compass points. Eventually, Peter became the rock of assertive caring and humble strength, actualizing his true personality as Christ had foretold.

You might try a prayer like this from your Weakness compass point: 

“Dear Lord, I know I take things too personally and that I talk too much. Forgive me for stealing the glory that belongs to you. I humbly ask you to help me outgrow my Storyteller ways. Calm my inner anxieties and give me a sound mind. Help me to relax and become more sensitive to you and others. Thank you. Amen."

For more, read: The Self Compass: Charting Your Personality in Christ

Does God Expect You To Be Perfect?

Gradual Growth, Not Perfection

It is normal for people to think that they need to present a picture of perfection in order to gain God’s approval. 

But human beings are “perfect” only in the sense that David, Job, and Peter were perfect. Each loved and responded to God as they knew him, yet each was seriously flawed and prone to human frailty. It was when they stood up and counted themselves as most perfect that they fell on their faces. As the proverb says, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Pro 16:18).

Haughty Spirit

The perfection that God desires is an ever-humbling growth process in the direction of surrendering your personality patterns to God’s healing agency.

Though imperfections always remain, you are gradually transformed into your unique version of the image of Christ. 

Being Transformed in Christ

God knows the innermost workings of your personality—the motives, foibles, and desires—for “before him no creature is hidden, but all are naked and laid bare to the eyes of the one to whom we must render an account” (Heb 4:13).

Because Christ became sin as humanity’s representative, God has patience, not condemnation, for the fear-driven personality patterns that plague people. 

God is Patient

Jesus says, “But the one who endures to the end will be saved” (Mt 24:13). Enduring means committing yourself to an open-ended process of inspired personality development over your lifetime.

I invite you to take your first action step in surrendering your patterns to the Lord:

The Self Compass: Charting Your Personality in Christ 

offers a self-administered inventory that provides a compass reading of patterns that are interfering with your personality growth, as well as revealing dimensions of your Self Compass that are functioning with good balance and integrity.

The Self Compass

The Self Compass and the Year of Faith

It has come to my attention that the Catholic Church has declared October 11, 2012 to November 24, 2013 as The Year of Faith. As a committed Christian and theologian-psychologist I applaud this emphasis. 

I believe The Year of Faith expresses the heartfelt cry of Christians worldwide to draw close to the Lord Jesus Christ in our modern day. As Paul says, “There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all” (Ephesians 4:4-6).

When the Catechism of the Catholic Church first came out I read it cover to cover in a week. It is a profoundly spiritual, Scriptural, and psychologically sensitive work. Pope Benedict XVI, when he was still Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, was a chief architect of the Catechism. 

I want to share with you one powerful paragraph from Pope Benedict's apostolic letter “Porta Fidei” that has introduced The Year of Faith. I do this with admiration for his spirit of pastoral care—and with the conviction that he is speaking on behalf of the Body of Christ, Catholics and Protestants alike:

“The Year of Faith is a summons to an authentic and renewed conversion to the Lord, the one Savior of the world. In the mystery of his death and resurrection, God has revealed in its fullness the Love that saves and calls us to conversion of life through the forgiveness of sins (cf. Acts 5:31). For Saint Paul, this Love ushers us into a new life: “We were buried ... with him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life” (Rom 6:4). Through faith, this new life shapes the whole of human existence according to the radical new reality of the resurrection. To the extent that he freely cooperates, man’s thoughts and affections, mentality and conduct are slowly purified and transformed, on a journey that is never completely finished in this life. “Faith working through love” (Gal 5:6) becomes a new criterion of understanding and action that changes the whole of man’s life” (cf. Rom 12:2; Col 3:9-10; Eph 4:20-29; 2 Cor 5:17).

As the Pope says, personal transformation “is a journey never completely finished in this life.” But we can benefit from psychological and spiritual tools that help us move forward. One of these is the Self Compass. The Self Compass helps us renew our personal conversion to Jesus and cooperate with the Holy Spirit in guiding our daily lives. 

This Vatican has endorsed the Compass Model for personality transformation because it is based on Christ's personality, and therefore supports "the radical new reality of his resurrection" in our personalities. By applying the Self Compass growth tool, your life can be "purified and transformed" during this Year of Faith.

LOVE & ASSERTION

Faith is deeply connected to personality health. Faith helps to counter the corrosive effects of anxiety, depression, and anger. The Self Compass promotes personality health and thereby increases a person's faith. 

Love and Assertion are two complementary compass points within every person's Self Compass. What is the connection between faith and Love? In order to love God or another person, we must reach out to them. We must open our hearts. We must risk caring for them. This requires faith! I have counseled hundreds of people who suddenly received this insight and gasped: "Oh no, now I realize I've lived my whole life to be safely self-contained. I've been too afraid to ever really love anyone." 

To grow in Love requires the courage of Assertion. Mary risked trusting the Angel Gabriel's message to her. Though she no doubt felt some fear, and though she certainly didn't know how she could become the Mother of our Lord, she ended the conversation assertively: "May everything you have said about me come true" (Luke 1:38). Mary dared to assertively express faith in the God whom she loved and trusted. We can become more like Mary.

WEAKNESS AND STRENGTH

Spend a few concentrated moments today or tonight hungering and thirsting for Christ’s presence in your life. Don’t be afraid of any Weakness. Integrate your vulnerability and even self-doubts into your faith in God’s Strength. The Catechism says, “Only faith can embrace the mysterious ways of God’s almighty power. This faith glories in its weaknesses in order to draw to itself Christ’s power” (273). Out of Weakness we are made strong. This humble Strength is what God loves to foster in us. A rhythm between Weakness and Strength never makes us arrogant.  

The Self Compass helps you cooperate with grace, so that in Pope Benedict's words, your "thoughts and affections, mentality and conduct are slowly purified and transformed." 

In case it might help your journey of faith this year, I'm including a link to God and Your Personality: The Newly Revised Catholic Edition. You can imagine my humble gratitude when Pope Benedict's personal theologian wrote and told me that this book had been added to his personal library. 

Paul Cardinal Poupard of The Vatican has this to say: “God & Your Personality is no New Age influenced waffle clouded in a mystique of blurb, but a useful tool for all those who seek to address personality issues and quench their innate spiritual thirst with the living-water which truly satisfies.”

 

GOD AND YOUR PERSONALITY

The Self Compass and John Wesley

The Self Compass provides a lens through which we can understand Christ's personality, our own personality, and the lives of other Christians who have come before us.

Let's apply the Self Compass to discover the personality dynamics of John Wesley (1703-1789). I'll cite his own words to help us.

John Wesley was an Anglican cleric who introduced Methodism as a highly successful form of evangelism throughout the United Kingdom in the eighteenth century. Wesley's distinctively biblical preaching in country fields and home or church services changed people's lives. He warned people of the spiritual dangers of sin, judgment, and hell, and warmly encouraged them to know Jesus Christ personally.

For forty years he preached about a thousand times a year throughout England, Scotland, and Wales. He traveled on horseback thirty to ninety miles a day, often through snow and rain, averaging about 8,000 miles per year!

I've recently been reading his spiritual journals that cover some of those years. I'm most impressed by the balanced Self Compass swings in his personality and relationships.

First and foremost, John Wesley was a man motivated by love for God, love for the lost, and love for the Christians that he organized into small discipleship groups. But he wasn't stuck on the Love compass point alone. He regularly moved into the Assertion compass point. Wesley never would have survived — let alone pressed forward in the face of intense opposition — without it. He also  exercised the rhythm between Weakness and Strength compass points. He felt humbled by the weakness of occasional doubts and uncertainty, as well as strengthened by confidence in his mission and trust in God.

LOVE

Wesley's personal conversion to Christ came unexpectedly after years of striving to please God, and being on the verge of “preaching no more.”

Thursday, May 25, 1738: “The moment I awakened, 'Jesus, Master,' was in my heart and in my mouth; and I found all my strength lay in keeping my eye fixed upon Him, and my soul waiting on Him continually. Being at St. Paul's in the afternoon, I could taste the good Word of God in the anthem which began, 'My song shall be always of the loving-kindness of the Lord; with my mouth will I ever be showing forth Thy truth from one generation to another.'”

Rev. Whitefield, a passionate teacher of a Calvinist form of Methodism, for a time opposed and criticized John Wesley's Arminian form of Methodism. Very significant, then, was their eventual reconciliation.

Wednesday, November 5, 1755: “Mr. Whitefield called upon me. Disputings are now no more; we love one another, and join hand in hand to promote the cause of our common Master.”

Wesley recognized the heart as the seat of a person's passion and motivation. He aimed his sermons to strike the sinner's heart with God's judgment and love:

“It is plain. God begins His work at the heart; then 'the inspiration of the highest giveth understanding.'”

ASSERTION

Wesley drew the line on misbehavior by confronting a man who had verbally abused him and thrown stones at his family. Yet in his letter to the man, his Assertion was tempered by Love:

Monday, March 4, 1745: “Robert Young, — I expect to see you, between this and Friday, and to hear from you that you are sensible of your fault; otherwise, in pity to your soul, I shall be obliged to inform the magistrates of your assaulting me yesterday in the street. I am, Your Real Friend, John Wesley.”

He asserted himself strongly to preach even when his life was in danger. And he recognized the strong assertion of the Lord to protect him:

Thursday, July 4, 1745: “I never saw before, no, not at Walsal itself, the hand of God so plainly shown as here. Although the hands of perhaps some hundreds of people were lifted up to strike or throw, yet they were one and all stopped in the midway; so that not a man touched me with one of his fingers, neither was anything thrown from first to last; so that I had not even a speck of dirt on my clothes.”

Wesley often chose biblical passages that proclaimed God's judgment of sinful lives and behavior, asserting the destiny of heaven or hell depending upon a person's repentance:

 Sunday, August 28, 1748: “There is the highest decency in a churchyard or field, when the whole congregation behave and look as if they saw the Judge of all and heard Him speaking from heaven.”

WEAKNESS

Wesley knew the terror of physical assault, the horror of death threats, and the helplessness of being targeted by people who hated him and all he stood for.

Wednesday, May 23, 1750: “They burned me in effigy near Dant's bridge. The mob was still patrolling the streets, abusing all that were called Methodists, and threatening to murder them and pull down their houses if they did not leave this way.”

Like the Psalmist, he discovered how a season of Weakness can redirect our attention to something new the Lord has in mind:

Friday, January 4, 1753: “I began writing Notes on the New Testament, a work I should scarcely ever have attempted had I not been so ill as to be able to travel or preach, and yet so well as to be able to read and write.” (Wesley finished the first draft of Notes on the New Testament on March 19 of that year).

He sought words to capture the wisdom of the Weakness compass point — that place where we all live with anxiety and suspense, and in stress reach out to God for His will to be done:

Sunday, August 8, 1736: “We were to sail, the wind being fair; but as we were going aboard, it turned full east. I find it of great use to be in suspense: it is an excellent means of breaking our will. May we be ready to stay longer on this shore or to launch into eternity.”

STRENGTH

Wesley understood the delicate interplay of Strength and Weakness, and how, for those who are serving the Lord: “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:21).

Thursday, April 16, 1752: “The more I use my strength, the more I have. I am often much tired the first time I preach in a day; a little the second time; but after the third or fourth, I rarely feel either weakness or weariness.”

Wesley credited God for his unusual strength to forgive those who had hurt or wronged him.

Sunday, October 29, 1752: “I cannot but stand amazed at the goodness of God. Others are most assaulted on the weak side of their side of their soul; but with me it is quite otherwise; if I have any strength at all (and I have none but what I have received), it is in forgiving injuries; and on this very side am I assaulted more frequently than on any other.”

At a ripe old age, John Wesley acknowledged the source of his Strength compass point throughout his life journey.

Monday, June 28, 1784: “I am as strong at eighty-one as I was at twenty-one; but abundantly more healthy, being a stranger to the headache, toothache, and other bodily disorders which attended me in my youth. We can only say, 'The Lord reigneth!' While we live, let us live to Him!”

I thank God for John Wesley's life and witness!

Empower Christian Discipleship with The Self Compass

Traditionally, Christian discipleship has involved taking the truth and principles Jesus taught and seeking to make individuals think and behave like Jesus did.

It's hard to imagine a worthier goal than growing more Christlike. And worth questioning how to help people do this. If we mechanically stamp the image of Christ onto people the way we rubber-stamp an envelope, we risk creating superficial Christian behavior that is not integrated with the depth dimensions of their personality.

What if we start with Christ's behavior as revealed in Scripture and place Jesus at the center of a personality model? One that helps Christians grow psychologically and spiritually, not as Jesus' clone, but as a unique individual in Christ. 

Dan and Kate Montgomery propose that such a process of Christian discipleship can emerge from using the Self Compass: an empirically validated growth tool that promotes healthy personality and relationships, while reflecting Jesus' behavior in the Gospels.

The Self Compass equips Christian discipleship with a personality model that enables Christians to understand inner conflicts, thoughts, feelings, the unconscious, and healthy versus unhealthy communication. Through this knowledge Christians can more effectively love God and others as they love themselves.

Utilizing the LAWS (Love/Assertion; Weakness/Strength) embedded in the Self Compass allows individuals to intuitively cooperate with Christ's transforming power in their personality. This process of discipleship combines biblical fidelity with psychological maturing.

Employing the Self Compass growth tool means that Christians express both tender care and diplomatic assertion. They are competent and strong, yet at the same time humbly aware of their weaknesses, maintaining free and equal access to all four compass points. To study how Christ's Self Compass is the definitive model for thinking, feeling, and acting with compass balance, read Compass Psychotheology: Where Psychology and Theology Really Meet.

Love lets individuals care for themselves and others, drawing out their potential for nurturance, compassion, and forgiveness. Love provides the bridge of intimacy that connects them to people in caring ways. But no one remains loving all the time. There are times to stand up for yourself and negotiate for what is fair and just. Assertion allows people to do just that: express their point of view with diplomacy.

Weakness helps Christians accept as normal the times when they feel uncertain or anxious. When they admit these vulnerable feelings into awareness, they can freely acknowledge their clay feet and ask for help when needed. On the other hand, Strength provides a sense of competence, confidence, and personal power. Healthy strength encourages Christians to achieve their best, while humbly acknowledging their weaknesses.

Christian discipleship can effectively help Christians become like Christ, each in their individual way, especially with the compass points of Love and Assertion, Weakness and Strength up and running. Jesus’ behavior in the Gospels reveals this personality balance and flexibility, and modern research on personality affirms these attributes as crucial for mental health.

The correlation of Jesus’ personality with the Self Compass combines a psychological and spiritual understanding of Christ, with trust in the Holy Spirit to indwell and influence a Christian's personality and relationships.

For the definitive book connecting the Self Compass with 

Christian transformation and discipleship, read:

Christian Personality Theory:

A Self Compass for Humanity

Jesus Christ's Self Compass

A pastoral counseling colleague at Harvard Divinity School told me that, "Jesus Christ had no personality as we know it today. He has nothing in common with modern conceptions of personality. And there is no similarity between his behavior and ours."

I disagree. Jesus' behavior in the Gospels reveals what personality is all about—motivation, perception, learning, memory, emotion, cognition, and spirituality. The Son of God became fully human precisely so we can relate to him through our personalities. And in Christ's behavior we see God's personality wholeness, as well as a model for becoming more whole ourselves. 

Biblical names of Jesus Christ reveal crucial aspects of his personality. Four names in particular illustrate the complimentary dynamics of  Christ’s Self Compass. 

Christ's Self Compass

Jesus as the Good Shepherd reveals the Love compass point. He watches over his sheep and calls them by name. As he lays his life down for his sheep out of love, so he commands: “As I have loved you, so you must love one another" (Jn 13:34). Jesus shows us how: In caring service Christ taught the disciples, and healed and fed the multitudes. He formed close friendships that revealed loyalty and emotional fulfillment, yet cared for himself by taking time to pull back from his ministry and restore his energies.

The Lion of Judah reveals the Assertion compass point of Jesus’ personality. A fierce opponent of injustice, Jesus rebuked the self-righteous Pharisees and drove the moneychangers out of his Father’s temple. Though tempted by Satan, he resisted and affirmed the Father's will, and will return to judge the living and the dead. And Jesus challenges us all to “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation" (Mk 16:15). It is from Assertion that we find the courage to live out Christ's commands, imperfectly, yet courageously.

Growing Christlike

The Lamb of God reveals the Weakness compass point of Jesus' personality when he gives his life to save people from the inseparable breach that sin creates between them and God. And he knows, too, that "since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you" (Jn 15:20 NLT). Through Jesus' suffering we draw comfort from him who shares in all human suffering; our God who stands with and for us in both adversity and need.

The Prince of Peace reveals the Strength compass point of Jesus' personality. As God’s reigning Messiah who overcomes sin and the devil to inaugurate the kingdom of God, Jesus alone can say, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (Jn 14:27).  Jesus is the source of a believer's Strength, a confidence balanced by trust in the Lord and sensitivity to others.

Jesus gifts humanity with a redemptive psychology of personal and relational transformation, and lives within us to empower our healthy personality transformation throughout the lifespan.

For more on how the Self Compass forms a dynamic living connection between you and Christ, see:  

Compass Psychotheology:  

Where Psychology & Theology Really Meet.

Benefit from the Self Compass LAWS of Personality

Utilizing the LAWS embedded in the Self Compass allows you to intuitively cooperate with Christ’s transforming power in your personality. Employing your entire Self Compass means that you express both tender care and diplomatic assertion. You are competent and strong, yet at the same time humbly aware of your weakness, maintaining free and equal access to all four compass points.

Love lets you care for yourself and the world, drawing out your potential for nurturance, compassion, and forgiveness. Love provides the bridge of intimacy that connects you to others. 

But no one remains loving all the time. There are times to stand up for your self and negotiate with others for what is fair and just. Assertion allows you to do just that: express your point of view while still caring about others.
  
Weakness helps you accept as normal the times when you feel uncertain or anxious. When you admit these vulnerable feelings into awareness, you can freely acknowledge your clay feet and ask for help when needed.

Strength provides you with a sense of competence, confidence, and personal power. Healthy strength encourages you to achieve your best, while humbly acknowledging your weaknesses.

By synergistically integrating these LAWS of personality, and with God’s guidance, you become your true self in Christ.

For more, read Chapter One of The Self Compass: Charting Your Personality in Christ on Amazon.com.

Top Personality Model for the 21st Century

Hi. I'm Dan Montgomery. Welcome! I've been a Psychologist and Marriage Therapist for 35 years, and a Christian theologian for about as long. Related to this integration of psychology and Christian faith,  my wife Kate and I have devoted our lives to the development and practical application of the Self Compass, a simple yet sophisticated growth tool for navigating life in the 21st century. 

Tell me. Would you enjoy having a trustworthy way to understand your personality and relationships, whether at work, at home, or in times of stress? Would you like to parent your children in a way that helps them develop a balanced personality? Would you like a way to grow more connected with God, feeling his love for you more strongly as life progresses? 

The Self Compass offers these benefits and more. Just as the discovery of the physical compass opened a new era in humanity's ability to travel from place to place, and navigate the earth, so the Self Compass opens a new era for finding your way to personality health and relationship fulfillment.

I assure you that by becoming a faithful reader of these postings, your knowledge of self and others will grow exponentially. What used to baffled you about your own or other people's behavior will make sense. You'll gain x-ray vision into people's real motivations, even when they are trying to conceal something from you.  

Most of all, you'll learn the art of growing psychologically and spiritually more whole, a treasured legacy you can pass on to those you love.

So Kate and I invite you to join our blog adventure. Take a moment to enjoy a brief video about our Compass Series books. The next posting I'll show you the Self Compass and how it works.

Dr. Dan Speaking About the Compass Series Books