How Spirituality Grows Couples' Love

If you’ve ever grown a potted plant, you know that after a certain passage of time the roots become pot bound: they take up so much room that there is no room left for soil in the pot. Now the survival of the plant is in jeopardy, since it cannot live by root alone, but needs vital sustenance from the nutrients in soil. 

The solution? Repotting. You get a larger pot, though not too large. You mix a fresh batch of topsoil with a touch of fertilizer. You cut back tangled roots. You ease the plant from the outgrown pot into the newly prepared one, firmly tamping the soil around it. Then you sit back and watch it sprout a new season of leaves and branches as it celebrates life.

  

Spirituality works in this way to stimulate 

growth within couple’s love.

There can come a time when you take each other for granted, all too easily slipping into patterns that manipulate each other for ego gratification. You don’t know exactly why the relationship loses its vitality, or why what used to enchant you now irks you.

What to do? 

• Some couples mistake a spiritual problem for an external one, and decide to move to a new house, buy a new car, or go on a trip. But changing the outer environment proves insufficient. They find they once the outer changes are made, the boredom with each other remains.
• Other couples simply assume that the attraction found in dating must naturally diminish over time, what with the acquisition of home and family life, jobs, and the daily grind. They slip into routines and preoccupations that help cover up the loss of communion.
• Some individuals opt for the more radical solution of an affair and heartrending dissolution of the partnership.

What I want to suggest, though, is that a love relationship can grow over the years through the transforming renewal of spirituality. 

When you reach out to God, you are drawing upon a rejuvenating dynamic that has much the same effect as transplanting a root-bound plant. This is like adding fresh soil and a dash of fertilizer to the seasons of couple’s life. 

You can pray something like, “God, help me grow in my personality and behavior in such way as enriches my relationship with this person I love. Please remove any rigid attitudes that are detrimental, and develop in me that which graces my life with humble strength and assertive caring. Thank you for helping us work through our blockages and re-invigorate our love.”

Embarrassment need not prevent praying out loud for each other. I’d like to suggest that doing so lets your spouse feel your loving concern. It empowers a couple to transform inner frustrations into verbal supplications for help and blessing.

Couple Praying Together

Let’s say you are thoroughly fed up with a boss at work; that you’ve been unconsciously grumpy with your spouse as a side effect. Now the night comes when the two of you are lying in bed, one watching television while the other is reading.

“I feel kind of powerless seeing you go through this pain,” says your spouse. “I can’t seem to help you. I’m wondering if I might pray for some kind of spiritual help in your work situation, and also between us.”

You feel a flash of self-consciousness. You’re not used to praying out loud. Yet what can it hurt? “Okay,” you say.

Your partner scoots nearer to you and lays a hand on your chest: “Dear God, please help this job situation find a new solution. Please bless and guide our couple’s life. Help us grow closer than ever through this. Thank you.”

The two of you lie there in stillness. Your breathing has deepened. Your chest feels lighter. A peace comes that has eluded you for several months. Without really thinking about it, you are surrendering to the beauty of having a pot transplant, just when you needed it most.

Thank God for those who pray about their couple’s love. And thank God for ingenious answers to those prayers, for nourishing individual roots with fresh potting soil, for creating an ever-expanding spaciousness for couple’s growth in intimacy.

For more, read:

STAYING IN LOVE: Dr. Dan & Siggy's Guide to Couples' Love

Staying in Love

How To Stop Arguing With Your Spouse

The Self Compass offers growth tools that really work for improving couples’ communication. The four compass points of the Self Compass (Love and Assertion, Weakness and Strength) provide the framework for a growing and healthy couples' relationship.

In a nutshell, when you utilize all four compass points for couples' communication, you:

Love: Act considerately

Assertion: Express self tactfully

Weakness: Own up to blowing it

Strength: Listen respectfully

On the Self Compass, it looks like this:

Couples' Communication Self Compass

Here are some pointers to help you utilize your whole Self Compass in couples' communication:

Love and Assertion:

1. Avoid escalating a disagreement: restate it diplomatically in the here and now; agree where possible, and work toward a compromise.
2. Get rid of putdowns or sarcastic remarks (that read as aggressive to the unconscious) that make a partner self-conscious.
3. Instead, watch for ways to praise your partner, including around other people.  
4. Avoid painting your partner in a negative light, because the unconscious will always remember it.
5. Just as in car maintenance, keep your marriage well oiled and lubricated by a generous supply of basic kindness:  “Thank you.” “You’re welcome.” “Excuse me.” “Good morning.” “Sleep well.” “How are you?” “I need you.” “I’m sorry.” “I love you!”

Strength and Weakness:

1. Offer your opinion or preference with humility.
2. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. 
3. Assume you don't know everything.
4. Warm up your spouse up to the communication you wish to have. 
5. Realize that you experience things that your spouse has no way of knowing about, unless you tell them. Avoid the trap of believing that if a person really loves you, he or she will be able to read your mind. 
6. The only tools available for communication and communion are words and body language. So whatever you want to say, especially if it has a strong emotional valence to it, break it to your partner gently.
7. Avoid arguments and misunderstandings by willingly repeating whatever you’re trying to say in fresh new words. 
8. It is only natural for couples to mishear a communication, or to take something personally and react defensively, instead of continuing the communication. 
9. With practice you can learn to let your partner finish whatever they are trying to say without interrupting them, or short-circuiting the communication with an emotional reaction. 
10. The more grace you extend to your partner, the more grace they become willing to extend to you. 
11. Taking the time to humbly clarify any misunderstanding builds mutual goodwill.

And finally, bring God right into the center of your relationship. Couples need all the help they can get to develop creative caring, ongoing respect, and emotional intimacy. Hold hands together and pray out loud for God’s will in your relationship: “Dear God, please bring blessing and guidance in our couple’s life. Help us grow closer than ever through this. Thank you.”