Living With A Narcissist: One-sided Love

Here's how someone feels in relationship with a narcissistic Boaster:

I give. He takes.

I love. He is loved.

I pursue. He forgets.

I yearn for his attention…to feel prized...cherished.

It wounds, that our love is one-sided and the spotlight never mine.

It helps to understand that those stuck in the Narcissistic Boaster personality pattern:

• Like to make powerful first impressions.
• Give constant attention to how they look, what they wear, and what they say.
• See their time as valuable. Others should give them the right of way in traffic, allow them to cut in lines, and serve them immediately in restaurants.
• Are exempt from difficult or dull tasks. They deserve special assignments that lead to recognition.
• Think that people should be happy to wait on them, follow their lead, and take their advice.
• Assume that no one has a right to criticize them. It is understandable if they react with anger at such insolence.
• Others should be glad to give to them without expecting anything in return.
• Enjoy fantasies of glory, wealth, and love. 

The Pattern’s Interior

The Boaster pattern has a need for admiration but disdains dependency. The Boaster employs a nonchalant, coolly superior style to draw others' admiration. 

The Strength compass point is exaggerated with the need to be right about everything, but the person is less interested in judging other people than in being admired for one’s obvious superiority. 

An absence of empathy renders the Boaster indifferent to others' feelings. Yet there is present an extreme vulnerability to criticism or being ignored, together with a strong wish for love, support and admiring deference from others. The Assertion compass point warps into disparaging or dismissing people who are not enthralled, while the Love compass point deteriorates into entitled self-adulation. The Weakness compass point is shunned altogether.

Compass Growth for the Narcissistic Boaster Pattern:

• Other people are well worth my attention.
• I am learning to care for others.
• I talk with others about my anxieties and bouts of depression.
• I call myself on my pretension; my sometimes outright cockiness. And laugh.

Scripture offers this growth tool: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others” (Phil 2:3-4).

Beginnings

This is Evan, on the verge of understanding someone else’s point of view:

I’m walking with Sheri through the mall when she halts in front of a store window. Releasing my hand, she points excitedly, “Evan, look at that.” She darts a quick smile in my direction. “A sweater-set in yellow, just what I’ve been looking for.”

What could be more boring? I’m about to say so when I glimpse my reflection in the store window. Hair looking good. Summer tan still holding. I’m tucking in my shirt that is slightly pulled out when I catch a glance from Sheri.

Is that a hurt look?

She’s stopped talking, that’s for sure. Here I am hoping she won’t want to try it on…wait. Stop. Don’t be so selfish.

I close my eyes and pray. “God. Please help me see this from her perspective.”

A moment later it comes to me. I take her arm and smile. “Sheri, would you like to run in and try that on?”

Is that a flash of astonishment on her face? Then she beams. Literally lights up. Amazing.

“Why, yes. I would.” A shy grin. “I’d love your input. Want to join me?” 

I place my arm over her shoulder. “Sure. Let’s do it.”

For more on the Narcisstic Boaster Personality Disorder, see:

COMPASS PSYCHOTHEOLOGY:

WHERE PSYCHOLOGY & THEOLOGY REALLY MEET 

The Self Compass and Personality Disorders

How does the Self Compass help you understand personality disorders?

Here's how. The LAWS of personality and relationships form four universal compass points of Love and Assertion, Weakness and Strength.

A personality pattern is a set of manipulative behaviors stemming from unconscious assumptions that directly affect how you perceive, think, feel, and act. Whether you became this way through how you were parented or other factors, you can only change a personality disorder through accurate insight and new choices.

There are primarily nine patterns that hamper personality growth, shown as they are located on the Self Compass. They are serious enough to undermine your attempts for love and happiness. But you can change them more easily than most people think. Self Compass knowledge is the key.

These descriptors are psychologically accurate, yet easy to remember because in the compass model, we pair the clinical name of the disorder with a descriptor that anyone can understand. You can think of these terms as temporary descriptions of a person’s behavior until that you make new choices that reflect personality balance and constructive change.

• Those stuck in the Dependent Pleaser and Histrionic Storyteller personality patterns exaggerate the Love compass point. Too much love makes them compliant or attention craving. They don't realize that they lack a stable identity within themselves.
• Paranoid Arguer and Antisocial Rule-breaker patterned people are stuck on the Assertion compass point. Too much assertion makes them argumentative or exploitive. 
• Avoidant Worrier and Schizoid Loner patterned people are stuck on the Weakness compass point. Too much weakness makes them withdrawn or detached. 
• Narcissistic Boaster and Compulsive Controller patterned people are stuck on the Strength compass point. Too much strength makes them arrogant or compulsive.  
• Borderline Challengers flip-flop from the Top Dog patterns of Strength and Assertion into the Underdog patterns of Weakness and Love and back again. This unstable volatility makes the borderline person believe that everyone else is responsible for their troubles, when the truth is their own personality pattern is to blame.

Most people lay claim to several of these patterns at some point in their lives. But the Self Compass both diagnoses the problem and shows you how to fix it. Whatever compass point your personality is stuck on determines your path for getting unstuck. If you are stuck in the Worrier pattern on the Weakness compass point, you take growth stretches primarily toward the opposite compass point: Strength. Over time, you move from self-defeating thoughts like “No one feels as scared as I do. I may as well give up,” to “I might blow this, because I’m human. But I’m doing it anyway.”

In our book The Self Compass my wife Kate illustrates the Controller Pattern this way:

I hand Dan my printed-out chapter to edit. He picks up the red pen and starts in, crossing out here, adding words there, deleting whole sentences. I bite my tongue to keep from protesting. My shoulders tighten, my jaw clenches, and I watch him like a hawk, ready to swoop down in defense of a brilliant phrase that must be kept just so. 

Even though I know objectively that Dan’s editing greatly improves my writing, when the Controller pattern has the upper hand, I feel driven to present him with a draft so perfect he won’t need to change a thing. 

Without a compass correction, this inner tension would spill over into our relationship, making it difficult for Dan to give honest feedback for fear of upsetting me. Then we’d both be held hostage to the harsh taskmaster of perfection.

Personality patterns left unchecked can undermine and even destroy relationships. They hamper your ability to love God and others as yourself, keeping you from fulfilling Christ’s purpose for your personality. 

To find out more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST

Conquer Public Speaking Fear with The Self Compass!

As a psychologist I've helped hundreds of people of all ages extinguish anxiety about speaking to groups, since speaking is an adult skill that enhances your mental health and increases your social pleasure.

It's not that hard. The four compass points of the Self Compass growth tool show the way.

 I will draw from each of these compass points in a quick tour around your Self Compass, a tour that will help you move away from:

the fear of public speaking

toward the pleasure of speaking success!

Both you and everyone you will ever speak to share a Love compass point of personality. Love is where you feel and express social interest, excitement, caring, and joy. When love is communicated, people light up with pleasure, whether they are eight or twenty-eight or eighty.

So in considering a public talk, lay fear aside long enough to care for the well-being of those whom you'll be addressing. Care about what concerns them, what worries them, what busy schedules they face, what personal adversity that are undergoing. Care enough to give them a few moments of your energy and experience that you have condensed into a talk, and care that they have a personal takeaway from your speech that they can apply to life.

Now just as the right amount of Love makes for a caring presentation, too much Love would make you a bore. You don't want to care so much about the audience that you need them to hang on every word, consider this the finest speech they've ever heard, or praise you to high heaven once you've finished. So while too much Love would contribute to speaking anxiety, just enough Love will contribute to conveying that you like them!

LOVE COMPASS POINT

Next on the Self Compass comes the Assertion compass point. Here you have a perfect right to express your viewpoint, feelings, knowledge, and expertise, regardless of what people think about it. In your Assertion you don't sit there worrying about what people might think. You think about how to find words and illustrations for what you know best — the very topic that you are presenting. Again, too much Assertion would make you come off with a chip on your shoulder, or too much argumentation and too little substance. But just the right amount of assertion will show that you have the courage of your convictions, and are willing to offer them to others.

ASSERTION COMPASS POINT

Now comes the Weakness compass point, the place where your social anxiety can serve a good purpose. A certain amount of anxiety is helpful to us when we prepare a speech. It keeps us mindful that we don't want to bore people, prattle on about nothing of consequence, or ramble without making clear points. In other words, anxiety keeps us humble, knowing that we cannot deliver a perfect speech, but a "good enough" speech will do fine.

WEAKNESS COMPASS POINT

Last we experience a dose of the Strength compass point both when we're practicing our speech behind closed doors, and then again while we are delivering. You can feel confident that your mind won't go blank, because you have notes right in front of you. You can feel adequate that you won't put your foot in your mouth, because you will carefully follow a well-edited outline. You can anticipate the achievement of success, picturing that as soon as you uttered your first sentence, your unconscious will help you carry out the speech you've prepared and rehearsed.

STRENGTH COMPASS POINT

Naturally, the first few times you put together these rhythmic compass elements in the direct encounter of a live speech, you have a few hems and haws, a jumpy transitions, just like everyone else in the world does. But before long, these balancing points of a healthy Self Compass will  empower you to deliver intriguing and informative speeches, no matter how much public speaking fear you used to have!

I know. In high school and college I couldn't raise my hand in class with turning bright red, and I couldn't speak in class without my mind going blank. But with the help of compass principles, this gradually turned around so that I've spoken to thousands of people in groups, and millions of people on radio and television programs. I don't even break a sweat, because long ago my unconscious replaced my old terror of public speaking with Love for my audience, Assertion in expressing my point of view, Weakness that reflects humility about my limitations, and Strength in anticipating the satisfaction of a successful speech that brings new friends into my life.

Don't worry. The Self Compass will work for you, too. Add a little dose of prayer for transformation inner weakness into strength — and you're on the road to speaking success. I'm absolutely sure of it!

For more about turning your fear of life and people 

into faith in your self, God, and others, read: 

FAITH BEYOND CHURCH WALLS:

FINDING FREEDOM IN CHRIST

Catholic Cardinals Commend The Self Compass

In my seminary years I received prayerful guidance to the effect that someday I would construct a personality model acceptable within a broad spectrum of Christianity. This came as an inner impression, bringing with it a compelling urge to read widely in personality, including the writings of Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, the Old Testament prophets, the Gospels, the apostle Paul, among others.

"Dan, don't just read Protestant theologians, philosophers and psychologists," coached the interior voice, which I perceived as the Holy Spirit. "Include great Catholic thinkers like St. Augustine, St. Teresa of Avila, Gabriel Marcel, Adrian van Kaam, and Thomas Merton."

I followed these marching orders, completing both Masters and PhD degrees. The central theme was integrating psychology, philosophy and theology around personality transformation in Christ. However, any connection to the Catholic Church lay dormant for the next 20 years—until the editor of Pauline Books and Media called and ask if I would write a book for them integrating depth psychology and Catholic spirituality. 

My wife Kate and I wrote the manuscript for God and Your Personality and received a ratifying contract almost immediately. Sister Mary Mark confided in the accompanying letter, "Dan, I want you to know that our convent had been in prayer for a month, asking the Lord who should write this book. The Holy Spirit impressed us to contact you."

Now twenty years have passed since the book was published. By the grace of God, it has become in the words of the Daughters of St. Paul, "a modern day spiritual classic." I feel awe and gratitude, having seen the book translated into ten languages, and a newly revised and expanded Kindle edition.

I bring this up because Catholic Cardinals keep a watchful eye out for what personality theories they commend to lay readers, and which ones—like the Enneagram—are judged as heretical.

This is prudent and necessary, since any personality model not only puts forth assumptions about human personality, but by implication judges the Nature and Person of Jesus Christ. This in turn affects whether the model rings true to Christian faith and doctrine.    

The Self Compass growth tool helps your understand how the Father moves through your personality, conforming you into the image of the Son by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I am especially gratified that Cardinals from five countries have written me letters commending the Self Compass and Compass Therapy as doctrinally sound growth tools for facilitating personality wholeness and spiritual holiness.

And that God and Your Personality has been selected for inclusion in the Vatican Library,  as well as endorsed by the Secretary of the Vatican Council for the Evangelization of Peoples, Archbishop Robert Sarah.

I am posting several of these letters for the benefit of my dear Catholic readership, to give assurance that the Self Compass and Compass Therapy not only incorporate empirical studies from personality research, but beyond this, these tools of transformation ultimately derive from the Nature and Personality of Jesus Christ.

The letters are as follows:

                                                          

PAUL CARDINAL POUPARD, THE VATICAN: “God & Your Personality is no New Age influenced waffle clouded in a mystique of blurb, but a useful tool for all those who seek to address personality issues and quench their innate spiritual thirst with the living-water which truly satisfies!"
 

RICARDO CARDINAL VITAL, PHILIPPINES: “God & Your Personality is a noble accomplishment and a gift to individuals who seek wholeness and holiness.”

ERDO CARDINAL PETER, HUNGARY: "God & Your Personality is a fine achievement and wonderful contribution to the healing ministry." 

STEPHEN CARDINAL KIM, KOREA:  "I am now reading Dr. Montgomery's God and Your Personality and find it very enlightening."

ROGER CARDINAL MAHONY, USA: “The Catholic tradition has long affirmed the value of the human sciences in leading us to a deeper understanding of the human person in relation to God and others. Dr. Dan Montgomery’s work, drawing as it does from the riches of psychological investigation and insight, will prove most helpful for those striving to grow and develop in the Christian life.”

To read more, click the title below for the print or Kindle edition:

GOD AND YOUR PERSONALITY: REVISED AND EXPANDED CATHOLIC EDITION

God and Your Personality