It's Hard to Relate to A Marshmallow: The Dependent Personality Disorder

Most of us realize the difficulties relating to someone who is aggressive or bossy. We're often less aware of the difficulties of relating to someone stuck in the Dependent Pleaser Personality Disorder, especially in a couples relationship.

Being married to a Pleaser can feel like you're relate to a marshmallow. You keep trying to get the person's real point of view and take a stand on something but end up with nothing but impenetrable, yet sticky, sweetness.  

It's Hard to Relate to A Marshmallow

Utilizing the power of a whole Self Compass helps counter the marshmallow effects of the Pleaser pattern. Here's how.

HOW THE SELF COMPASS TRANSFORMS THE PLEASER PATTERN 

Janice is married to Greg, who is learning how to counter the effects of her Pleaser pattern. She is motivated to change, and has agreed that Greg can address this with her tactfully.

Greg is with Janice as she ends a phone conversation with their grown son, David: “Of course, dear. I’d be glad to baby-sit for you. You both need a break when you’re looking after two little children.”

Janice hangs up the phone and turns to Greg. “I hope you don’t mind, dear, but I just agreed to baby-sit next weekend for David and Sharon. David said they really need a break.”

Greg looks at her, concerned. “Guess you didn’t remember that we have plans for a get-away next weekend.” (Notice how Greg keeps his cool, explains the problem, and lets Janice feel the tension.)

Janice’s hand goes to her mouth. “Oh, that’s right. Oh, I’m so sorry. I forgot. I heard the stress in David’s voice and I just couldn’t say no.”

“Okay. What about calling him back and telling him what you just told me? You could baby-sit the following weekend.”

Janice leans forward. “Oh my, I just don’t know. I hate to disappoint them. They’re having a hard time of it lately. I worry that their marriage won’t stand the stress. Could we change our plans for the following weekend?”

Greg frowns. “Whoa. This doesn’t feel good to me. You’re placing our relationship a definite second here because of your need to please David. That hurts.” (Greg uses Assertion to express his feelings).

Janice winces. “I’m so sorry, Greg.”

Greg stops himself from reassuring her that it’s okay. “I agree that David and Sharon need a break. But they don’t even know about our plans.” Greg looks at her and says softly, “It’s your choice, Janice.” (Greg uses the Strength compass point to keep from rescuing her and the Love compass point to reach out to her.)

Janice tears up and reaches for a tissue. “I need to think and pray about this for a little while,” she murmurs. She heads to the bedroom. Ten minutes later she emerges, a look of relief in her eyes.

Janice smiles as she sits down by Greg. “I just called David and told him about our plans. I’m going to baby-sit the following weekend so you and I can have our date.” She puts her arms around him. “Thanks for your honesty, honey.”

The Self Compass

HOW GREG AND JANICE USE THE WHOLE SELF COMPASS 

1. Greg expresses his feelings with caring assertion and holds with his point of view even though he knows that it will be uncomfortable for Janice to hear. 
2. He does not take over for Janice. 
3. He gives her the opportunity to take responsibility for her actions. 
4. Greg's holding the tension allows Janice to assert herself.

1. Janice diplomatically stands up for her marriage in her relationship with her son. 
2. Janice gives her son new information and offers an alternative. 
3. She demonstrates that she shares Greg's priority of placing their marriage first. 
4. No longer manipulating her family by being overly sweet, Janice is becoming her own kind yet assertive self.

 For more, read: 

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality in Christ

Find Peace with the Couples Finance Compass

Do you and your partner fight over finances? All too common, all too painful. The Self Compass shows you why and what to do about it:

Dependent trend spouses stuck on the Love compass point buy too many things to make too many people happy. They say, “Sure, honey” when asked about a purchase when they really mean “No, it’s too expensive for us right now.” They want their partner’s approval, and can’t stand the prospect of their anger. Yet they feel secret resentment toward their spouse.

Aggressive trend spouses stuck on the Assertion compass point buy what they want when they want it without much consideration of their partner’s perspective.  They are suspicious about their spouse’s spending habits, yet will lie about how much they’ve actually spent themselves.

But when each spouse balances Love with Assertion, they learn to diplomatically stand up for their financial preferences and to be generous and trusting of their partner’s. This takes a willingness to be honest yet tactful, compromising yet realistic.

Couples Finance Compass

Withdrawn trend spouses stuck on the Weakness compass point avoid taking financial responsibility. They see themselves as incapable of learning how to handle finances and feel defeatist and apologetic when their spouse gets exasperated with them. Which is often.

Controlling trend spouses stuck on the Strength compass point like to take over family finances; they know it all and judge their spouse as less competent than they. Their down-putting remarks about spending habits results in their spouse feeling financially inept, thereby confirming their incompetence. 

When Weakness and Strength are combined in couple’s financial issues, each spouse balances fair-minded responsibility with discerning compromise to reach ongoing workable principles. This takes a willingness for both partners to admit they don't know everything about finances, that they can make mistakes, as well as a willingness to ask for outside help, learn how to balance a budget, and exercise discipline in keeping it. 

Couples Finances

Love with Assertion brings freedom to discuss individual financial priorities honestly, yet with a generous heart. Weakness combined with Strength promotes financial competence without being judgmental about mistakes. Couples end up with a practical budget and room to enjoy life, while revisiting spending decisions as family circumstances change.

For more on how to transform these personality trends, read:

The Self Compass: 

Charting Your Personality in Christ

How To Know If You're Being Manipulated

You manipulate others when you treat people as “things” in ways that defeat sincere communication and communion. Everyone does this to some degree. Manipulation results from a rigid personality trend or pattern in which your interaction with others contains a hidden agenda that sabotages honest and open interaction. You do this at mostly unaware and automatic levels.

How?

The Self Compass reveals four manipulative trends that correlate with exaggerated misuse of the four compass points:

• Love: the Dependent trend
• Assertion: the Aggressive trend
• Weakness: the Withdrawn trend
• Strength: the Controlling trend

Why?

It is fear of other people's disapproval that propels the Dependent trend: you avoid Assertion and Strength by pleasing and placating others, even if the price is your sense of self. You are manipulative in these ways:

• Seek others' good opinion and require them to be reassuring. 
• Everyone be nice now. 
• Everything is fine. 
• Be responsible for everyone’s happiness. 
• Suffer guilt for anyone’s unhappiness. 
• Keep the peace, no matter what the cost, even sacrificing your self-hood if necessary. 
• Feel secretly resentful.

For the Aggressive trend, it is fear of intimacy that blocks Love and Weakness. You manipulate others in these ways:

• Forestall the risk of loving by getting mad, getting even. 
• It is others who make you angry, after all. 
• Make others walk on eggshells by arguing over trivial issues. 
• Be charming on occasion, to bring others under your power. 
• Feel secretly lonely.

In the Withdrawn trend, you avoid Strength and Assertion by pulling back from life out of fear that others will discover and ridicule your inadequacies. You manipulate others in these ways:

• Believe that only others get to enjoy living. 
• Dream dreams, but take no risks. 
• Feel numb and detached. 
• Worriedly read others' minds, assuming their dislike. 
• Be helpless. 
• Require others to take responsibility. 
• When others express impatience, feel confirmation of your unworthiness.
• Experience secret superiority.  

 

The Controlling trend avoids Weakness and Love by being in charge. You might feel vulnerable otherwise. To feel out of control brings core fear, something to be avoided at all cost. You manipulate others in these ways:

• You should always know better than to make mistakes or feel at a loss. 
• Always keep busy. 
• Require others to be as perfect as you are. 
• Judge self and others as never quite good enough. 

And the underlying effect of this manipulative stance? Insensitivity to others' feelings and, occasionally, a sense of the hollow impossibility of it all. 

For more on how to outgrow these manipulative trends and personality patterns using the Self Compass growth tool, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST