It's Hard to Relate to A Marshmallow: The Dependent Personality Disorder

Most of us realize the difficulties relating to someone who is aggressive or bossy. We're often less aware of the difficulties of relating to someone stuck in the Dependent Pleaser Personality Disorder, especially in a couples relationship.

Being married to a Pleaser can feel like you're relate to a marshmallow. You keep trying to get the person's real point of view and take a stand on something but end up with nothing but impenetrable, yet sticky, sweetness.  

It's Hard to Relate to A Marshmallow

Utilizing the power of a whole Self Compass helps counter the marshmallow effects of the Pleaser pattern. Here's how.

HOW THE SELF COMPASS TRANSFORMS THE PLEASER PATTERN 

Janice is married to Greg, who is learning how to counter the effects of her Pleaser pattern. She is motivated to change, and has agreed that Greg can address this with her tactfully.

Greg is with Janice as she ends a phone conversation with their grown son, David: “Of course, dear. I’d be glad to baby-sit for you. You both need a break when you’re looking after two little children.”

Janice hangs up the phone and turns to Greg. “I hope you don’t mind, dear, but I just agreed to baby-sit next weekend for David and Sharon. David said they really need a break.”

Greg looks at her, concerned. “Guess you didn’t remember that we have plans for a get-away next weekend.” (Notice how Greg keeps his cool, explains the problem, and lets Janice feel the tension.)

Janice’s hand goes to her mouth. “Oh, that’s right. Oh, I’m so sorry. I forgot. I heard the stress in David’s voice and I just couldn’t say no.”

“Okay. What about calling him back and telling him what you just told me? You could baby-sit the following weekend.”

Janice leans forward. “Oh my, I just don’t know. I hate to disappoint them. They’re having a hard time of it lately. I worry that their marriage won’t stand the stress. Could we change our plans for the following weekend?”

Greg frowns. “Whoa. This doesn’t feel good to me. You’re placing our relationship a definite second here because of your need to please David. That hurts.” (Greg uses Assertion to express his feelings).

Janice winces. “I’m so sorry, Greg.”

Greg stops himself from reassuring her that it’s okay. “I agree that David and Sharon need a break. But they don’t even know about our plans.” Greg looks at her and says softly, “It’s your choice, Janice.” (Greg uses the Strength compass point to keep from rescuing her and the Love compass point to reach out to her.)

Janice tears up and reaches for a tissue. “I need to think and pray about this for a little while,” she murmurs. She heads to the bedroom. Ten minutes later she emerges, a look of relief in her eyes.

Janice smiles as she sits down by Greg. “I just called David and told him about our plans. I’m going to baby-sit the following weekend so you and I can have our date.” She puts her arms around him. “Thanks for your honesty, honey.”

The Self Compass

HOW GREG AND JANICE USE THE WHOLE SELF COMPASS 

1. Greg expresses his feelings with caring assertion and holds with his point of view even though he knows that it will be uncomfortable for Janice to hear. 
2. He does not take over for Janice. 
3. He gives her the opportunity to take responsibility for her actions. 
4. Greg's holding the tension allows Janice to assert herself.

1. Janice diplomatically stands up for her marriage in her relationship with her son. 
2. Janice gives her son new information and offers an alternative. 
3. She demonstrates that she shares Greg's priority of placing their marriage first. 
4. No longer manipulating her family by being overly sweet, Janice is becoming her own kind yet assertive self.

 For more, read: 

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality in Christ

Do Your Parents Run Your Marriage?

We’ve all got parents, right? Here are two facts that illuminate the world of parents as related to their adult children:

1. They live in a generation apart from us with values and cares of their own.
2. They can’t run our lives or our marriage without us becoming messed-up.

You may initially feel more loyalty to your parents than your partner. The challenge, though, as Jesus says, is to leave your parents and become one with your spouse (Mt 19:6). Placing Christ at the center of your marriage, and utilizing the Couples Family Compass will help you in this process.

If you want to qualify for intimacy with someone who is your peer, you must cut the psychological umbilical cord to both parents. This is called growing up, and means that, like the thirteen colonies, you declare independence and write your own constitution. You may have to fight a brief war, because some immature parents want to continue their unchallenged policy of taxation without representation. Nevertheless, to share your life with an intimate partner requires that you gain full possession of your selfhood.

Declaration of Independence

What happens when a parent lays a guilt trip on you about attending a family function, or worse yet, makes a snide remark about your partner? It’s simple, really. You align yourself with your partner, let your parents have their views, and don’t honor their commands.

You’ve got to work out all the logistics, but keep in mind this one thing: parents are formidable foes to couple’s intimacy precisely because they can feel entitled to claims of family loyalty that supercede your intimate relationship. 

They may object, but these behaviors will diminish to the degree that they come to accept that you are your own person, and that your highest loyalty is not childlike obedience to them, but healthy love of your partner.

How does the Couples Family Compass help you do this?

Couples Family Compass

From the Love compass point, you place your marriage first. Nurture your love for one another. At family gatherings, step aside for a moment and touch base. Share a hug, a smile. Make sure you feel connected with each other as you interact with others.

From the Assertion compass point, you stand up for your spouse if need be. "Mom, I can't help what you think about my husband. That's your choice. But please treat him respectfully. I like him."

From the Weakness compass point, you talk with your partner about family issues to get them off your chest. Acknowledge the frustration or sadness you feel. Be careful not to explode at your spouse, and be tactful if it's about their family. But sharing feelings will bring you closer and help you form strategies for handling family issues together.

From the Strength compass point, plan ahead for family contact. Take charge of what works for you as a couple. What invitations will you accept or diplomatically decline? Compromise about the length of time you'll stay, or number of times you'll see family. 

You may actually enjoy family times more, once you priorities are straightened out. Jesus wants no false alliances in the marriage bond, so that couples intimacy can grow and thrive.