Jesus Handled Controlling People: How Can You?

It is a hard, clear blue sky this afternoon in Judea when Jesus speaks. The crowds come. And come, from villages all around. They press in. Pushing closer, to hear his words. His disciples with him, Jesus preaches, his voice penetrating the desert air, reaching the hearts open to his word.

But someone interrupts him, to say that his family has arrived. They wish to speak with him, but are unable to get through the densely packed crowds to his side.

What is Jesus’ response? He says his family are those all about him, not limited by birth. Jesus refuses to let his family presume upon him and his mission (Matthew 12:46-50).

Jesus Preaching

What Is The Controlling Personality Pattern?

Jesus uses the Assertion compass point to withstand the Controlling Pattern. The Self Compass shows how the Controller pattern exaggerates a sense of competence. Without humility from the Weakness compass point, Controllers consider any opinion of theirs as the right opinion. Other people benefit when told how to think and act. It's only being helpful. 

Unknowingly, Controllers labor under the heavy burden of perfectionism, sometimes called the “tyranny of the shoulds.” Even though it’s impossible to achieve perfection, they're always striving to do so.  This curse of perfectionism yields bitter fruit. It isolates the person and torments others. Without caring from the Love compass point, the Controller pattern drives out joy, replacing it with a certain dictatorial grimness. It keeps Controllers from nurturing, forgiving, or having much fun. 

Compulsive Controller Personality Disorder

“They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear," Jesus says, "and lay them on the shoulders of others; but they themselves are unwilling to lift a finger to move them” (Matthew 23:4).

How It Feels To Be Around Controlling People

Someone living with the Controller pattern can feel this way:

• My spouse has the answers.
• My job is to obey all my spouse’s correctives because I’m incompetent. At times, I feel downright stupid.
• I want to act like a child, blow my stack. Pout.
• Which brings on the imperious censure even more full throttle.
• I feel demeaned. Deflated.
• I am an adult, yet constantly judged for my driving capability, for my grammar, for the way I give our child a bath, fill a dishwasher, make a bed.
• Somewhere there is fury.
• Certainly shame. 

Person Feeling Judged

Ways to Counter The Controlling Pattern

1. At home, calmly speak about how you feel, making full use of your Self Compass tools of caring assertion and humble confidence: 

"I feel like I can't do anything right these days. That doesn't feel good. It feels kind of grim to be around you. Not much fun."

2. Suggest ways that would work for you: 

"It would help me if you can you go more easy with your comments, maybe throw in a few compliments here and there?"

3. At work, use diplomatic assertion with a compulsive perfectionist boss:

"Yes, for sure I'm as keen as you are for me to turn in a topnotch Year End report. In order to do that, however, I will still need to turn it in tomorrow as we had previously agreed, rather than today as you're asking."

For more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS:

Charting Your Personality in Christ

It's Hard to Relate to A Marshmallow: The Dependent Personality Disorder

Most of us realize the difficulties relating to someone who is aggressive or bossy. We're often less aware of the difficulties of relating to someone stuck in the Dependent Pleaser Personality Disorder, especially in a couples relationship.

Being married to a Pleaser can feel like you're relate to a marshmallow. You keep trying to get the person's real point of view and take a stand on something but end up with nothing but impenetrable, yet sticky, sweetness.  

It's Hard to Relate to A Marshmallow

Utilizing the power of a whole Self Compass helps counter the marshmallow effects of the Pleaser pattern. Here's how.

HOW THE SELF COMPASS TRANSFORMS THE PLEASER PATTERN 

Janice is married to Greg, who is learning how to counter the effects of her Pleaser pattern. She is motivated to change, and has agreed that Greg can address this with her tactfully.

Greg is with Janice as she ends a phone conversation with their grown son, David: “Of course, dear. I’d be glad to baby-sit for you. You both need a break when you’re looking after two little children.”

Janice hangs up the phone and turns to Greg. “I hope you don’t mind, dear, but I just agreed to baby-sit next weekend for David and Sharon. David said they really need a break.”

Greg looks at her, concerned. “Guess you didn’t remember that we have plans for a get-away next weekend.” (Notice how Greg keeps his cool, explains the problem, and lets Janice feel the tension.)

Janice’s hand goes to her mouth. “Oh, that’s right. Oh, I’m so sorry. I forgot. I heard the stress in David’s voice and I just couldn’t say no.”

“Okay. What about calling him back and telling him what you just told me? You could baby-sit the following weekend.”

Janice leans forward. “Oh my, I just don’t know. I hate to disappoint them. They’re having a hard time of it lately. I worry that their marriage won’t stand the stress. Could we change our plans for the following weekend?”

Greg frowns. “Whoa. This doesn’t feel good to me. You’re placing our relationship a definite second here because of your need to please David. That hurts.” (Greg uses Assertion to express his feelings).

Janice winces. “I’m so sorry, Greg.”

Greg stops himself from reassuring her that it’s okay. “I agree that David and Sharon need a break. But they don’t even know about our plans.” Greg looks at her and says softly, “It’s your choice, Janice.” (Greg uses the Strength compass point to keep from rescuing her and the Love compass point to reach out to her.)

Janice tears up and reaches for a tissue. “I need to think and pray about this for a little while,” she murmurs. She heads to the bedroom. Ten minutes later she emerges, a look of relief in her eyes.

Janice smiles as she sits down by Greg. “I just called David and told him about our plans. I’m going to baby-sit the following weekend so you and I can have our date.” She puts her arms around him. “Thanks for your honesty, honey.”

The Self Compass

HOW GREG AND JANICE USE THE WHOLE SELF COMPASS 

1. Greg expresses his feelings with caring assertion and holds with his point of view even though he knows that it will be uncomfortable for Janice to hear. 
2. He does not take over for Janice. 
3. He gives her the opportunity to take responsibility for her actions. 
4. Greg's holding the tension allows Janice to assert herself.

1. Janice diplomatically stands up for her marriage in her relationship with her son. 
2. Janice gives her son new information and offers an alternative. 
3. She demonstrates that she shares Greg's priority of placing their marriage first. 
4. No longer manipulating her family by being overly sweet, Janice is becoming her own kind yet assertive self.

 For more, read: 

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality in Christ

Do You Talk Too Much? The Self Compass Explains Why

“I tell you, Mario, my life with women...” Alex grins ruefully. “They come and they go. I just never know…”

Alex’s smile fades, then his eyes light up. “Anyway, have you met the new trainer at the gym? Carla? She’s stunning. Really knows her stuff, too.” He leans closer to Mario, making sure of eye contact. “I’ll introduce you. You’ll love her. Say, did you hear that Harold got into it with his manager and left his new job…”         

For the person stuck in the Histrionic Storyteller personality pattern, life is an endless saga of emotional ups and downs. Feelings govern you. Everything is either absolutely marvelous or entirely catastrophic. Whatever you feel at the moment is how you behave. It’s like the base thumping from a car radio at full volume. It reverberates in everyone’s ears within hearing distance.  

 

Emotional Ups and Downs

The Storyteller pattern brings unconscious, yet predictable thoughts to your daily interactions. Your self-talk sounds like this:

• I am only important if other people are showing interest in me.
• I only have worth to the degree that I emotionally impact others.
• I am significant in proportion to how many people know and like me.

This mindset creates a compelling urge to capture and keep people’s attention, even if this requires shocking remarks, reciting one’s latest woes, walking off in a huff, or sharing a juicy morsel of gossip.

Need To Keep In The Spotlight

When you’re not in the spotlight, as a defense against feeling insignificant, you scan conversations at a superficial level until it triggers something related to you. Then bingo. You dive right in. This is called selective listening. You don’t take in what people are sharing about themselves or their interests. You might say that people are needed accessories for your agenda of self-promotion.

Challenge The Histrionic Storyteller Pattern by Transforming Thoughts to:

• I am a worthwhile person with strengths and weaknesses, and I choose to accept myself.
• I can express myself to others with color and enthusiasm, but I will take the time and exercise the skill to really hear what they are saying to me.
• I can communicate better without exaggeration and emotional displays than with them.

Growth into Your Real Self in Christ:

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Advancing beyond the Storyteller pattern requires the willingness to move into the Weakness compass point. Not easy, to admit the need for less self-absorption, more sensitivity to other’s feelings. Yet if you pray for God to grant you more humility, He will. “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you in due time” (1 Pet 6:5).

In the New Testament the apostle Peter initially displayed the Storyteller pattern in his relationship with Jesus. Peter often acted impetuously. He jumped into the Sea of Galilee to walk on water. He talked so much at Jesus’ transfiguration, it was hard for the Father to get a word in edgewise (Mt 17:5). He cut off the ear of the high priest’s servant when Jesus was arrested.

But in the wake of his baptism in the Holy Spirit, Peter acquired a more balanced use of his Love, Weakness, and Strength compass points. Eventually, Peter became the rock of assertive caring and humble strength, actualizing his true personality as Christ had foretold.

You might try a prayer like this from your Weakness compass point: 

“Dear Lord, I know I take things too personally and that I talk too much. Forgive me for stealing the glory that belongs to you. I humbly ask you to help me outgrow my Storyteller ways. Calm my inner anxieties and give me a sound mind. Help me to relax and become more sensitive to you and others. Thank you. Amen."

For more, read: The Self Compass: Charting Your Personality in Christ

Does God Expect You To Be Perfect?

Gradual Growth, Not Perfection

It is normal for people to think that they need to present a picture of perfection in order to gain God’s approval. 

But human beings are “perfect” only in the sense that David, Job, and Peter were perfect. Each loved and responded to God as they knew him, yet each was seriously flawed and prone to human frailty. It was when they stood up and counted themselves as most perfect that they fell on their faces. As the proverb says, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Pro 16:18).

Haughty Spirit

The perfection that God desires is an ever-humbling growth process in the direction of surrendering your personality patterns to God’s healing agency.

Though imperfections always remain, you are gradually transformed into your unique version of the image of Christ. 

Being Transformed in Christ

God knows the innermost workings of your personality—the motives, foibles, and desires—for “before him no creature is hidden, but all are naked and laid bare to the eyes of the one to whom we must render an account” (Heb 4:13).

Because Christ became sin as humanity’s representative, God has patience, not condemnation, for the fear-driven personality patterns that plague people. 

God is Patient

Jesus says, “But the one who endures to the end will be saved” (Mt 24:13). Enduring means committing yourself to an open-ended process of inspired personality development over your lifetime.

I invite you to take your first action step in surrendering your patterns to the Lord:

The Self Compass: Charting Your Personality in Christ 

offers a self-administered inventory that provides a compass reading of patterns that are interfering with your personality growth, as well as revealing dimensions of your Self Compass that are functioning with good balance and integrity.

The Self Compass