Living With A Narcissist: One-sided Love

Here's how someone feels in relationship with a narcissistic Boaster:

I give. He takes.

I love. He is loved.

I pursue. He forgets.

I yearn for his attention…to feel prized...cherished.

It wounds, that our love is one-sided and the spotlight never mine.

It helps to understand that those stuck in the Narcissistic Boaster personality pattern:

• Like to make powerful first impressions.
• Give constant attention to how they look, what they wear, and what they say.
• See their time as valuable. Others should give them the right of way in traffic, allow them to cut in lines, and serve them immediately in restaurants.
• Are exempt from difficult or dull tasks. They deserve special assignments that lead to recognition.
• Think that people should be happy to wait on them, follow their lead, and take their advice.
• Assume that no one has a right to criticize them. It is understandable if they react with anger at such insolence.
• Others should be glad to give to them without expecting anything in return.
• Enjoy fantasies of glory, wealth, and love. 

The Pattern’s Interior

The Boaster pattern has a need for admiration but disdains dependency. The Boaster employs a nonchalant, coolly superior style to draw others' admiration. 

The Strength compass point is exaggerated with the need to be right about everything, but the person is less interested in judging other people than in being admired for one’s obvious superiority. 

An absence of empathy renders the Boaster indifferent to others' feelings. Yet there is present an extreme vulnerability to criticism or being ignored, together with a strong wish for love, support and admiring deference from others. The Assertion compass point warps into disparaging or dismissing people who are not enthralled, while the Love compass point deteriorates into entitled self-adulation. The Weakness compass point is shunned altogether.

Compass Growth for the Narcissistic Boaster Pattern:

• Other people are well worth my attention.
• I am learning to care for others.
• I talk with others about my anxieties and bouts of depression.
• I call myself on my pretension; my sometimes outright cockiness. And laugh.

Scripture offers this growth tool: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others” (Phil 2:3-4).

Beginnings

This is Evan, on the verge of understanding someone else’s point of view:

I’m walking with Sheri through the mall when she halts in front of a store window. Releasing my hand, she points excitedly, “Evan, look at that.” She darts a quick smile in my direction. “A sweater-set in yellow, just what I’ve been looking for.”

What could be more boring? I’m about to say so when I glimpse my reflection in the store window. Hair looking good. Summer tan still holding. I’m tucking in my shirt that is slightly pulled out when I catch a glance from Sheri.

Is that a hurt look?

She’s stopped talking, that’s for sure. Here I am hoping she won’t want to try it on…wait. Stop. Don’t be so selfish.

I close my eyes and pray. “God. Please help me see this from her perspective.”

A moment later it comes to me. I take her arm and smile. “Sheri, would you like to run in and try that on?”

Is that a flash of astonishment on her face? Then she beams. Literally lights up. Amazing.

“Why, yes. I would.” A shy grin. “I’d love your input. Want to join me?” 

I place my arm over her shoulder. “Sure. Let’s do it.”

For more on the Narcisstic Boaster Personality Disorder, see:

COMPASS PSYCHOTHEOLOGY:

WHERE PSYCHOLOGY & THEOLOGY REALLY MEET 

How Do You Know if You're Antisocial?

Antisocial Rule-breaker Self-Talk

The automatic self-talk of the Antisocial Rule-breaker pattern focuses on self against the world, and sounds like this:

• I need to look out for myself.
• It’s all right for me to say one thing and do another.
• If I don’t take advantage of people, someone else will.
• Following rules is stupid. Take what you can get and run.
• I get a thrill from breaking rules and thumbing my nose at authority.

Emotional Dynamics

The Antisocial Rule-breaker pattern requires you to deny and conceal your real emotions. Thick-skinned and self-contained, you treat people like pawns in the chess game of life. You avoid sincere communication because you don’t want to cultivate intimacy, which could give other people control over you. You suspect those who show you goodwill, believing it to be an attempt to exploit. 

 

The Rule-breaker pattern triggers emotions that stem from social resentment: hostility toward authority, anger when challenged, frustration in the face of delayed gratification, excitement when conning someone, and pleasure when outsmarting people. The price paid for these defensive tactics? Chronic inner emptiness and feelings of alienation from life and God.

Rule-breaker Body Language

It seems like you gaze directly, conveying a fearless nonchalance. You’re actually sizing up a person for any signs of trust you can exploit.

How about the soft, seductive look? It beguiles people to feel curious and intrigued. They sense your creative flair, but don’t know it will be used against them. Then there’s the innocent smile. This look says, “You can trust me with your deepest secret. I’ve been around and I can help you out in life. You need someone like me to take care of things.” 

The apostle Paul understood this pattern: “By smooth talk and glowing words they deceive innocent people” (Rom 16:18).

  How I Was Taken In

Dr. S. was an ambitious young psychiatrist with a thriving practice who wanted to share my office space with me. He seemed friendly and professional, so I agreed. I liked his gift of the gab and boisterous, off-the-wall humor.

I really enjoyed the first month of our association. Dr. S. would come bouncing into the clinic, brimming with energy and cracking jokes. But by the third month his happy-go-lucky smile had waned. He came to my office and said that the IRS was giving him problems. Could I pay his portion of the month’s rent? He said he’d pay me back the following month.

But he didn’t.

“You’re first on my list, Danny boy. I’m expecting some checks to arrive any day now from my patients’ insurance claims.”

But that day never came.

In our seventh month together, Dr. S. asked if he could try out one of the personality assessments that I used with my clients. “I’d like to borrow your computer’s scoring code so I can score one test,” he said. “I’ll pay you for it next week.”

Since I was used to trusting professional colleagues, I agreed. So I was shocked when I received a sizeable bill from the testing company. Dr. S. had processed twenty of these pricey tests under my name.

I confronted him.

“I would never do such a thing,” Dr. S. protested. “The company has obviously made a mistake. I’ll phone them right now and get it straightened out.”

He sounded so sincere that I questioned my judgment.

The worst was yet to come. The following week, Dr. S. entered my office, looking crestfallen. “Dan, buddy, I’m real sorry about this, but the insurance companies are hassling me big time. I’m going to have to declare bankruptcy. I’ll have to write off the money I owe you.” He smiled sorrowfully and walked out.

Finally acknowledging the reality of a Rule-breaker pattern in action, that week I dissolved our association and found a new office.

Dr. S. wrote me a scathing letter. “I’m appalled at your disloyalty. You are not a true friend!”

For more on the Antisocial Rule-breaker personality disorder, see:

The Self Compass: 

Charting Your Personality in Christ

 

How To Know If You're A Worrier

People who make worrying a way of life have developed a Worrier thought pattern made up of automatic self-talk. Worrier self-talk is frequently self-demeaning, and sounds like this:

• If others really knew me, they’d reject me.
• No matter how hard I try, nothing works out—I may as well give up.
• Dreams and fantasy are better than reality.
• No one is as scared and embarrassed as I am.

The Emotional Life of A Worrier

Worrier pattern feelings swim in a confusing undercurrent of sadness, tension, and tentativeness. You long for affection, yet fear rebuff. Since you are so introspective, you’re acutely aware of these painful feelings. Yet you refuse to face or discuss them. More often than not, your solution to this turmoil is a self-protective state of numbness. 

Another strategy for surviving this discomfort? Fantasy. Worriers often substitute daydreams for direct involvement in life. But fantasies only point out the vast discrepancy between your imagined life and your daily reality.

Loneliness is common. Because your emotions are so blocked, you may redirect the need for self-expression into reading romance novels or writing soul-searching poetry. Lacking close friends or confidants, you may rely on a companion like a pet cat or dog who will not reject you.

How Did You Develop the Worrier Pattern?

Children who subsequently adopt the Worrier pattern usually experience loving nurturance from their family of origin. They develop an attachment bond that motivates them toward social contact with others. But then they are often subjected to regular humiliation. They can be criticized for not doing things perfectly by an overly judgmental parent, or may be mocked or shunned for mistakes.

Shauna was pampered for her lovability until the age of six, when she entered school. Her father highly valued academics. When Shauna had difficulty learning to read, her father perceived her as intellectually slow. As an adult caught in the Worrier pattern, Shauna recalled how demolished she felt when her father would call her “Dummy.”

Some children are particularly sensitive to criticism from their parents because they are genetically predisposed to shyness. It is normal for such children to pull back for a time, or cry, when faced with new or strange situations. If their parents respond with ridicule or anxiety, it reinforces the children’s reserve. And they begin worrying that they are somehow flawed.   

Learning theory suggests a “learned helplessness” to explain withdrawn behavior. This can develop by repeated experiences of fearful events over which people perceive they have no control, resulting in a paralysis of the will.

How To Change From Negative to Constructive Thinking

Eric e-mailed me, showing beginning signs of progress in changing his Worrier-patterned thoughts:

I wonder if God is going to leave me stuck like this the rest of my life. Other people are living their lives. It seems like I’m always left far behind. Yes, I know I’m supposed to think positive, but it’s hard when I feel so closed up. But I did go out for a walk today after work. And when I called my girlfriend, I stopped myself from dumping on her about how down I felt. I think the new antidepressant is working too, because this morning I woke up feeling lighter. I actually thanked God for the sunny day.

For more on how to transform the Worrier personality pattern, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST 

 

Moses and The Worrier Pattern

In the Book of Exodus, God asks Moses to meet with Pharaoh and demand that the Hebrew slaves be set free.

And Moses’ reply? He exclaims, “But I’m not the person for a job like that!” (Ex 3:11).

God makes several more requests, and Moses responds:

O Lord, I’m just not a good speaker. I never have been, and I’m not now, even after you have spoken to me. 
I have a speech impediment. 
Lord, please! Send someone else. 
But look, my own people won’t even listen to me anymore; how can I expect Pharaoh to? I’m no orator!

Many people think of Moses as one of the strongest personalities in the Bible. But when God initially approaches him, Moses responds in the Worrier pattern: “I can’t do it and that’s that.” Ultimately, though, Moses’ meekness becomes the fulcrum for an eventual wholeness and friendship with God.

Like other people stuck on the Weakness compass point, Moses is plagued with self-doubt about his identity. An abandoned Hebrew child who grows up in Pharaoh’s palace, he never truly fits in. He wonders if he is Egyptian royalty or a Hebrew slave. He ends up ill-at-ease around everybody, as is typical of the Worrier. One day a crisis develops when he observes an Egyptian guard beating an Israelite mud worker. Moses’ repressed feelings erupt and he murders the guard, burying the body in the sand. When Pharaoh hears about it, he seeks to kill Moses.

Moses avoids his social troubles as Worriers do—he withdraws to Midian, a desert wilderness where he lives for forty years. He names a son Gershom, meaning “foreigner,” for Moses says, “I am a stranger in a foreign land” (Ex 2:22 TLB). 

The Self Compass and the Worrier Pattern

The Worrier pattern cuts you off from the Strength compass point. You shrink from the risks required for an actualizing personality in Christ. Disconnected from the Assertion compass point, you avoid standing up for yourself. Not exercising the Love compass point, you become incapable of giving and receiving trust and affection. You end up feeling all alone.

Leveraged out on the Weakness compass point, the Worrier withdraws from social situations, yet longs to participate in life. You lose the virtue of healthy weakness—its humility and empathy—and instead become helpless and held back by procrastination. “I’ll do it someday.” But that someday never comes.

God knew Moses’ potential for personality wholeness. After appearing to him in the burning bush, the Lord led him on a journey to make real his potential. Moses did not come around easily, but he cooperated enough to face his Worrier pattern.

Moses kept talking to God. Though he dragged his feet and complained a fair amount, Moses followed God’s directives. The result? Moses underwent a gradual but effective personality transformation.

Exodus describes how Moses confronted Pharaoh (Assertion compass point), encouraged people to trust in God (Love compass point), led the Israelites through the Red Sea (Strength compass point), and on Mount Sinai humbly received the Ten Commandments (Weakness compass point).

Slowly, Moses developed into a humbly competent leader, with great compassion for the people he led.

For more on how to do outgrow the Avoidant Worrier personality pattern like Moses did, read:

THE SELF COMPASS:

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST

Grow Christlike with The Youth Self Compass!

Jesus cares about your personality. He wants you to know what you're like as a person and how to change any parts that need changing.  

Check out the diagram below to see how the Youth Self Compass makes sense of personality.

The Self Compass is just that: a compass that points the way to personality health. First, notice where the LAWS of personality are located: Everybody needs a balance of LOVE and ASSERTION, WEAKNESS and STRENGTH compass points. 

Jesus is the only person who ever had a perfect balance of these compass points. The Gospels, like Matthew or John, show how Jesus was caring and brave, as well as humble and confident, depending on the situation. 

The rest of us get stuck out of balance on one or more of the compass points. Think of yourself or friends or family members you know. Do see where you or they may be stuck?

If  you point to the "Too nice" or "Pleaser" it means being stuck on the LOVE compass point without enough ASSERTION.

If you choose "Mean" or "Sneaky" it means being stuck on the ASSERTION compass point without enough LOVE.

It's simple but not always easy to change. Your goal is to combine LOVE with ASSERTION. That way you balance out your Self Compass with more choices about how to act. You can choose to be kind, yet still say what you think. 

What happens over time? You find yourself being Caring and Brave instead of  mean or overly agreeable. 

What about the "Worries" or "Pulls back" part of the diagram? This means a person is stuck on the WEAKNESS compass point without enough STRENGTH.

If you choose "Bossy" or "Complains" it means you're stuck on the STRENGTH compass point without enough WEAKNESS. 

The Self Compass answer? We all need to combine both WEAKNESS and STRENGTH to develop a balanced personality. 

Instead of being a know-it-all, or saying, "I can't" too much, you can choose to humbly admit your mistakes and take action to correct them. This is how you grow in becoming Humble and Confident.  

The cool thing is that the Holy Spirit is right there to help you when you pray to become more of your real self in Christ. With the Youth Self Compass as a guide, you can grow more like Jesus, the best model you could ever have!

For more on how to do this, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality In Christ

Billy Graham Through the Lens of the Self Compass

Most of us find great people fascinating. We want to know what they believe, what hardships they've lived through, and what legacy they hope to leave. Billy Graham is such a person. Not many who live nearly a century are able to tell the world what they've held most dear for a lifetime. In his book Nearing Home, written at the age of ninety-three, Graham does just that. 

Dr. Billy Graham at the Billy Graham Library

Using the Self Compass as a lens for seeing into Billy Graham's personality and life perspective, I've organized quotes from Nearing Home into the compass categories of Love and Assertion, Weakness and Strength.

LOVE COMPASS POINT

"God proved His love on the cross. When Christ hung, and bled, and died, it was God saying to the world, 'I love you.'"

"When we come to Christ and trust Him alone for our salvation, God forgives our sins, and we become reconciled to Him forever. He also comes to live with His Holy Spirit and adopt us into His family as sons and daughters. And because we now belong to Him we will be with Him in heaven some day. In the meantime He is with us every moment of the day, to the very end of our earthly journey."

"One of my saddest moments was when Ruth preceded me in death. I watched her suffer with dignity, with feisty humor, and with a gentle spirit ready to meet our Lord. She taught me so much about the last chapter of life. Knowing where she is, the One she is with, and the fact that I will be with her soon are of monumental comfort to me."

ASSERTION COMPASS POINT

"At the time of our personal surrender and acceptance of Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, He commands us to walk in His footsteps. Receiving His power gives us courage to follow him and abide in His presence."

"For many years I made it a practice to read a chapter a day from the book of Proverbs, thus covering the entire book every month. Proverbs is filled with practical wisdom on a wide variety of topics: relationships, possessions, family, speech, work, habits, and so much more. The Bible is our authority in everything."

"God wants to use you right where you are. Every day you probably come into contact with people who will never enter a church or talk with a pastor or open a Bible. You may be the bridge God uses to bring them to His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ."

WEAKNESS COMPASS POINT

"Grief is a reality; those who say that we shouldn't grieve the loss of loved ones 'because they're better off now' have never understood the enormous hole that is left in our hearts when loved ones die. Yes, they may be better off if they are in Heaven—but we aren't better off. A major part of our lives has been ripped from us, and just as it takes time to heal from a major surgery, so it takes time to heal from the loss of a loved one."

"Death is always an intruder, even when it is expected. It disrupts our lives and brings grief in its wake. No one welcomes death's legacy of pain and emptiness and loneliness—but God has not abandoned us and even in the midst of life's greatest sorrows His Word is still true: 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you' (Hebrews 13:5)."

"Why is it that money, success, and pleasure bring no lasting satisfaction? Because they ignore one of life's greatest truths: we don't have just bodies and minds, but we also have souls, also called spirits. If we ignore this truth—if we feed our bodies but starve our souls—our lives will be incomplete and unfulfilled, and we will find ourselves weak and unprepared for life's inevitable challenges."

STRENGTH COMPASS POINT

"George Beverly Shea enjoys life at a hundred and two. He considers me his younger friend. Those who are blessed with living a healthy and full life for a century and counting are in a class of their own. Many often ask why Bev can so effectively communicate with the young. I believe the reason is that Bev embraces his age with grace and humor and people are drawn to that authenticity. They are invigorated by his good spirit and his testimony to what the Lord Jesus means to him."

"God doesn't want us to waste our later years or spend them in superficial meaningless pursuits. Instead He wants us to use them in whatever ways we can infuence those whill come after us. God wants us to finish well—and one of the ways we do this is by passing on our values and our faith to those who follow us."

"No matter what our age nothing prepares us for the future like a solid moral and spiritual foundation based on God's will for our lives."

In what may well be the his last written words, Graham closes Nearing Home with an assuring word to every Christian:

"For those who have received the most precious gift of Christ's redeemed blood...you have reason to look forward to the glories of Heaven, for you will be perfected, you will be joyful, you will once again be active, and right now you can be certain you are nearing home."

Transform the Antisocal Rule-breaker Pattern

“So, Adriana,” the accountant said over the phone. “The upshot is that the IRS plans to audit you and Ben.” He cleared his throat. “They’re questioning your lack of reported income for the past two years. Being self-employed, you’ll need to assemble your income records. The IRS wants to see how these records tally with your expenses and bank deposits.”

“Oh,” said Adriana, her heart sinking. I’ve got to be careful what I say here, she thought. “I’m not sure what records we’ve actually kept.”

“Well, the bank will have deposit records, even if you don’t. I have an appointment with the IRS in two weeks.”

Adriana hung up the phone and relayed the information to her husband, who stared back at her blankly.

Ben paced up and down the den carpet. “What are we going to do? How are we going to pay the IRS? We’ve got no spare cash.” Adriana hunched over in the chair, eyes tearing.

The next day, Ben and Adriana gathered together their documentation and sent it on to the accountant.

A week later, they sat in the kitchen having coffee. Ben sighed as he took a sip from his steaming mug. “I lied, Adriana. Thought I could out smart them.” He looked out the kitchen window at the icy gray day. “I padded my expenses. I under reported income. I didn’t declare cash I received. No way was the IRS going to get my hard-earned money.”

“Me, too. I did it out of fear. But still, I agreed to it.” Adriana touched his hand. “Kind of a relief to get it out in the open.”

“Yep.”

She frowned. “I forgot to tell you. When the accountant called to confirm he’d got our papers, he said he didn’t know whether the IRS had randomly selected us or something had triggered their attention.” She looked searchingly at Ben. “I wonder if God is trying to tell us something.”

At Ben’s suggestion, they got down on their knees and prayed for God’s forgiveness.

The morning of the audit arrived.

“Whatever the outcome, Adriana,” said Ben, tiredly wiping his brow, “God has done quite the work in us this past week. I believe we’re to make more than just a moral decision here. The Lord wants a fundamental shift in the way we handle finances. No more deceit. Only honesty.”

That afternoon, the accountant called. “You owe the IRS two thousand dollars. I’ve arranged it so you can pay by monthly installments if you have to.”

On Sunday, when Ben and Adriana attended church, the pastor began his sermon with a verse from Proverbs 3:12: “For those whom the Lord loves he corrects.”

Practical Growth Stretches for Antisocial Rule-breakers

1. Commit yourself to several months of community service work. Volunteer in after-school programs. Help out at the Salvation Army. Pick up litter off the sidewalk. Acts of generosity and service help to counter self-centered thinking and remove the desire to take advantage of others. 

2. Read through the following list of Scriptures. In a prayer journal, write your sense of how they apply to you. Record your progress in outgrowing the Rule-breaker pattern.

• We have renounced the shameful things that one hides; we refuse to practice cunning or to falsify God’s word; but by the open statement of the truth we commend ourselves to the conscience of everyone in the sight of God (2 Cor 4:2).
• Do not seek your own advantage, but that of the other (1 Cor 10:24).
• Putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another (Eph 4:25).

3. Speak to your spouse or a friend about the pain of your childhood and adolescent years. How you learned to outsmart people instead of trusting them. How you learned the pattern of self-aggrandizement instead of cooperation and love. Ask these people to help you become aware of your Rule-breaker pattern and to support your growth and change. 

For more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS:

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST

Getting the Job You Want Using The Self Compass

What I'm going to share with you unites the best of contemporary psychology with Christian spirituality on the topic of getting the job you want.

My perspective as a theologian-psychologist and my lifelong work helping people find meaningful, God-inspired work, has taught me some priorities. If you take these principles one by one, and then see how they form a dynamic rhythm in your life, you'll be well on your way to job satisfaction.

First of all, take a look at the Self Compass itself, a powerful lens for understanding yourself, others, and God. Notice that Assertion and Love are connected to each other. This means that at certain times and places you need to exert yourself, take risks, stand up to opposition, and overcome personal obstacles (Assertion). At other times you need to comfort yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, and be of service to others (Love).

 God fits into the Self Compass this way. You learn to call upon God and express your needs, hopes, and dreams for high job satisfaction to him. The Bible says it this way: “So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most” (Hebrews 14:16). So be assertive, not shy or vague, when asking God to bless you with perfect guidance that brings a great job into your life. By the same token, don't use God like a magic genie who is supposed perform what you command. God forbid! Rather, express ever-deepening love, adoration, and worship to God. Tell him often how much you love him!

What is set in motion with this complementary compass rhythm of Love and Assertion is assurance that He will faithfully guide your job searches, advances, and placements. You may have to work for a season in a job you don't care for, or endure a time of unemployment as gracefully as you can. But the bigger picture comes from God's personal promise to you: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Now how do you connect the Weakness and Strength compass points with getting the job you want. First, you humble yourself, getting rids of attitudes of narcissistic entitlement ("The world owes me a great job") or impatient annoyance ("I want a great job now!"). Start you job search on your knees in prayer. From that humbling of your heart before God, you can proceed with confidence. Make a good resume, network with other people, get ready for interviews, learn to take temporary "no's" in stride, strengthen your areas of weakness, and keep improving your strengths.

When you do get a job interview don't panic. Relax. God is in the details of your life. You can trust His guidance a job interview. Don't try to psyche out the interviewer or acts overly confident as though you know everything. Just be real about your job capabilities and skills sets, and how these interface with the job description. Realize that you can't control other people, nor can you make them judge you in a positive way. So what. If they don't want you it's their loss, and in the meantime, you've learned even more about how to speak spontaneously and sincerely in an interview.

 See the big picture. Believe in God. Know that because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross of your sins, God places extraordinary value on your life. He is a genius at guiding you, and He will move in all things to land you a job where you can keep finding and doing his will.

Starting in high school and up through the present day, I have worked in a chemistry lab as a test tube washer, a restaurant as a bus boy, for a highway crew cutting down brush with an axe, for NASA as a satellite tracker, as a college professor, a psychotherapist, and an author. Some of the jobs I hated and others I liked, but the career that God ultimately guided me into, that of being a theologian-psychologist for the Lord, has brought years of profound fulfillment alongside some very exasperating and exhausting work. Add to that the really hard job of parenting throughout the years, and I am in the same boat with you, trusting God to get me through this life and make sense of all the work I have to do!

Adding a little health psychology to the spirituality and practical steps I've just offered, I would say this:

• Learn from everything that happens to you
• Keep developing your mind through reading, taking courses, and refining your values for living
• Don't be a slouch at work, but rather find creative ways to do a competent job and to actually learn and do what your employer wants done
• Don't waste time griping and whining about anything; put this life energy into making things better or even articulating meaningful suggestions to your boss
• Don't take your work too seriously, as though it's your only reason for existence
• Realize that someday that job will be over and those tasks you performed long gone; so make personality development in Christ your deeper goal, since you can take the results of that everywhere, even to the grave

I hope you do well applying the Self Compass to illuminate and empower your quest for a job you really life. Here is my prayer for you:

“Dear Lord, help this reader to surrender their life to you fully, completely, and without reservation. You have greater wisdom than the two of us combined. So we ask you to use this wisdom along with your sovereign power to guide every aspect of a job search into a productive pathway to career fulfillment. In the name of your Son Jesus, Amen!”

Are You An Antisocial Rule-breaker?

The Antisocial Rule-breaker personality pattern (or personality disorder) relies on a set of unconscious assumptions that directly affect how you perceive, think, feel, and act.

Emotional Dynamics

The Antisocial Rule-breaker pattern requires you to deny and conceal your real emotions. Thick-skinned and self-contained, you treat people like pawns in the chess game of life. You avoid sincere communication because you don’t want to cultivate intimacy, which could give other people control over you. You suspect those who show you goodwill, believing it to be an attempt to exploit. 

The Rule-breaker pattern triggers emotions that stem from social resentment: hostility toward authority, anger when challenged, frustration in the face of delayed gratification, excitement when conning someone, and pleasure when outsmarting people. The price paid for these defensive tactics? Chronic inner emptiness and feelings of alienation from life and God.

Rule-breaker Body Language

It seems like you gaze directly, conveying a fearless nonchalance. You’re actually sizing up a person for any signs of trust you can exploit.

How about the soft, seductive look? It beguiles people to feel curious and intrigued. They sense your creative flair, but don’t know it will be used against them.

Then there’s the innocent smile. This look says, “You can trust me with your deepest secret. I’ve been around and I can help you out in life. You need someone like me to take care of things.”  

The apostle Paul understood this pattern: “By smooth talk and glowing words they deceive innocent people” (Rom 16:18 NLT).

Rule-breaker Self-Talk

The automatic self-talk of the Rule-breaker pattern focuses on self against the world, and sounds like this:

• I need to look out for myself.
• It’s all right for me to say one thing and do another.
• If I don’t take advantage of people, someone else will.
• Following rules is stupid. Take what you can get and run.
• I get a thrill from breaking rules and thumbing my nose at authority.

The Antisocial Rule-breaker Pattern in Action

I am relaying a true story, camouflaging the details, of an experience I had years ago. 

Dr. S. was an ambitious young psychiatrist with a thriving practice who wanted to share my office space with me. He seemed friendly and professional, so I agreed. I liked his gift of the gab and boisterous, off-the-wall humor.

I really enjoyed the first month of our association. Dr. S. would come bouncing into the clinic, brimming with energy and cracking jokes. But by the third month his happy-go-lucky smile had waned. He came to my office and said that the IRS was giving him problems. Could I pay his portion of the month’s rent? He said he’d pay me back the following month.

But he didn’t.

“You’re first on my list, Danny boy. I’m expecting some checks to arrive any day now from my patients’ insurance claims.”

But that day never came.

In our seventh month together, Dr. S. asked if he could try out one of the personality assessments that I used with my clients. “I’d like to borrow your computer’s scoring code so I can score one test,” he said. “I’ll pay you for it next week.”

Since I was used to trusting professional colleagues, I agreed. So I was shocked when I received a sizable bill from the testing company. Dr. S. had processed twenty of these pricey tests under my name.

I confronted him.

I would never do such a thing,” Dr. S. protested. “The company has obviously made a mistake. I’ll phone them right now and get it straightened out.”

He sounded so sincere that I questioned my judgment.

The worst was yet to come. The following week, Dr. S. entered my office, looking crestfallen. “Dan, buddy, I’m real sorry about this, but the insurance companies are hassling me big time. I’m going to have to declare bankruptcy. I’ll have to write off the money I owe you.” He smiled sorrowfully and walked out.

Finally acknowledging the reality of a Rule-breaker pattern in action, that week I dissolved our association and found a new office.

Dr. S. wrote me a scathing letter. “I’m appalled at your disloyalty. You are not a true friend!”

For more on the Antisocial Rule-breaker personality pattern, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality In Christ