Living With A Narcissist: One-sided Love

Here's how someone feels in relationship with a narcissistic Boaster:

I give. He takes.

I love. He is loved.

I pursue. He forgets.

I yearn for his attention…to feel prized...cherished.

It wounds, that our love is one-sided and the spotlight never mine.

It helps to understand that those stuck in the Narcissistic Boaster personality pattern:

• Like to make powerful first impressions.
• Give constant attention to how they look, what they wear, and what they say.
• See their time as valuable. Others should give them the right of way in traffic, allow them to cut in lines, and serve them immediately in restaurants.
• Are exempt from difficult or dull tasks. They deserve special assignments that lead to recognition.
• Think that people should be happy to wait on them, follow their lead, and take their advice.
• Assume that no one has a right to criticize them. It is understandable if they react with anger at such insolence.
• Others should be glad to give to them without expecting anything in return.
• Enjoy fantasies of glory, wealth, and love. 

The Pattern’s Interior

The Boaster pattern has a need for admiration but disdains dependency. The Boaster employs a nonchalant, coolly superior style to draw others' admiration. 

The Strength compass point is exaggerated with the need to be right about everything, but the person is less interested in judging other people than in being admired for one’s obvious superiority. 

An absence of empathy renders the Boaster indifferent to others' feelings. Yet there is present an extreme vulnerability to criticism or being ignored, together with a strong wish for love, support and admiring deference from others. The Assertion compass point warps into disparaging or dismissing people who are not enthralled, while the Love compass point deteriorates into entitled self-adulation. The Weakness compass point is shunned altogether.

Compass Growth for the Narcissistic Boaster Pattern:

• Other people are well worth my attention.
• I am learning to care for others.
• I talk with others about my anxieties and bouts of depression.
• I call myself on my pretension; my sometimes outright cockiness. And laugh.

Scripture offers this growth tool: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others” (Phil 2:3-4).

Beginnings

This is Evan, on the verge of understanding someone else’s point of view:

I’m walking with Sheri through the mall when she halts in front of a store window. Releasing my hand, she points excitedly, “Evan, look at that.” She darts a quick smile in my direction. “A sweater-set in yellow, just what I’ve been looking for.”

What could be more boring? I’m about to say so when I glimpse my reflection in the store window. Hair looking good. Summer tan still holding. I’m tucking in my shirt that is slightly pulled out when I catch a glance from Sheri.

Is that a hurt look?

She’s stopped talking, that’s for sure. Here I am hoping she won’t want to try it on…wait. Stop. Don’t be so selfish.

I close my eyes and pray. “God. Please help me see this from her perspective.”

A moment later it comes to me. I take her arm and smile. “Sheri, would you like to run in and try that on?”

Is that a flash of astonishment on her face? Then she beams. Literally lights up. Amazing.

“Why, yes. I would.” A shy grin. “I’d love your input. Want to join me?” 

I place my arm over her shoulder. “Sure. Let’s do it.”

For more on the Narcisstic Boaster Personality Disorder, see:

COMPASS PSYCHOTHEOLOGY:

WHERE PSYCHOLOGY & THEOLOGY REALLY MEET 

How Do You Know if You're Antisocial?

Antisocial Rule-breaker Self-Talk

The automatic self-talk of the Antisocial Rule-breaker pattern focuses on self against the world, and sounds like this:

• I need to look out for myself.
• It’s all right for me to say one thing and do another.
• If I don’t take advantage of people, someone else will.
• Following rules is stupid. Take what you can get and run.
• I get a thrill from breaking rules and thumbing my nose at authority.

Emotional Dynamics

The Antisocial Rule-breaker pattern requires you to deny and conceal your real emotions. Thick-skinned and self-contained, you treat people like pawns in the chess game of life. You avoid sincere communication because you don’t want to cultivate intimacy, which could give other people control over you. You suspect those who show you goodwill, believing it to be an attempt to exploit. 

 

The Rule-breaker pattern triggers emotions that stem from social resentment: hostility toward authority, anger when challenged, frustration in the face of delayed gratification, excitement when conning someone, and pleasure when outsmarting people. The price paid for these defensive tactics? Chronic inner emptiness and feelings of alienation from life and God.

Rule-breaker Body Language

It seems like you gaze directly, conveying a fearless nonchalance. You’re actually sizing up a person for any signs of trust you can exploit.

How about the soft, seductive look? It beguiles people to feel curious and intrigued. They sense your creative flair, but don’t know it will be used against them. Then there’s the innocent smile. This look says, “You can trust me with your deepest secret. I’ve been around and I can help you out in life. You need someone like me to take care of things.” 

The apostle Paul understood this pattern: “By smooth talk and glowing words they deceive innocent people” (Rom 16:18).

  How I Was Taken In

Dr. S. was an ambitious young psychiatrist with a thriving practice who wanted to share my office space with me. He seemed friendly and professional, so I agreed. I liked his gift of the gab and boisterous, off-the-wall humor.

I really enjoyed the first month of our association. Dr. S. would come bouncing into the clinic, brimming with energy and cracking jokes. But by the third month his happy-go-lucky smile had waned. He came to my office and said that the IRS was giving him problems. Could I pay his portion of the month’s rent? He said he’d pay me back the following month.

But he didn’t.

“You’re first on my list, Danny boy. I’m expecting some checks to arrive any day now from my patients’ insurance claims.”

But that day never came.

In our seventh month together, Dr. S. asked if he could try out one of the personality assessments that I used with my clients. “I’d like to borrow your computer’s scoring code so I can score one test,” he said. “I’ll pay you for it next week.”

Since I was used to trusting professional colleagues, I agreed. So I was shocked when I received a sizeable bill from the testing company. Dr. S. had processed twenty of these pricey tests under my name.

I confronted him.

“I would never do such a thing,” Dr. S. protested. “The company has obviously made a mistake. I’ll phone them right now and get it straightened out.”

He sounded so sincere that I questioned my judgment.

The worst was yet to come. The following week, Dr. S. entered my office, looking crestfallen. “Dan, buddy, I’m real sorry about this, but the insurance companies are hassling me big time. I’m going to have to declare bankruptcy. I’ll have to write off the money I owe you.” He smiled sorrowfully and walked out.

Finally acknowledging the reality of a Rule-breaker pattern in action, that week I dissolved our association and found a new office.

Dr. S. wrote me a scathing letter. “I’m appalled at your disloyalty. You are not a true friend!”

For more on the Antisocial Rule-breaker personality disorder, see:

The Self Compass: 

Charting Your Personality in Christ

 

How To Know If You're A Worrier

People who make worrying a way of life have developed a Worrier thought pattern made up of automatic self-talk. Worrier self-talk is frequently self-demeaning, and sounds like this:

• If others really knew me, they’d reject me.
• No matter how hard I try, nothing works out—I may as well give up.
• Dreams and fantasy are better than reality.
• No one is as scared and embarrassed as I am.

The Emotional Life of A Worrier

Worrier pattern feelings swim in a confusing undercurrent of sadness, tension, and tentativeness. You long for affection, yet fear rebuff. Since you are so introspective, you’re acutely aware of these painful feelings. Yet you refuse to face or discuss them. More often than not, your solution to this turmoil is a self-protective state of numbness. 

Another strategy for surviving this discomfort? Fantasy. Worriers often substitute daydreams for direct involvement in life. But fantasies only point out the vast discrepancy between your imagined life and your daily reality.

Loneliness is common. Because your emotions are so blocked, you may redirect the need for self-expression into reading romance novels or writing soul-searching poetry. Lacking close friends or confidants, you may rely on a companion like a pet cat or dog who will not reject you.

How Did You Develop the Worrier Pattern?

Children who subsequently adopt the Worrier pattern usually experience loving nurturance from their family of origin. They develop an attachment bond that motivates them toward social contact with others. But then they are often subjected to regular humiliation. They can be criticized for not doing things perfectly by an overly judgmental parent, or may be mocked or shunned for mistakes.

Shauna was pampered for her lovability until the age of six, when she entered school. Her father highly valued academics. When Shauna had difficulty learning to read, her father perceived her as intellectually slow. As an adult caught in the Worrier pattern, Shauna recalled how demolished she felt when her father would call her “Dummy.”

Some children are particularly sensitive to criticism from their parents because they are genetically predisposed to shyness. It is normal for such children to pull back for a time, or cry, when faced with new or strange situations. If their parents respond with ridicule or anxiety, it reinforces the children’s reserve. And they begin worrying that they are somehow flawed.   

Learning theory suggests a “learned helplessness” to explain withdrawn behavior. This can develop by repeated experiences of fearful events over which people perceive they have no control, resulting in a paralysis of the will.

How To Change From Negative to Constructive Thinking

Eric e-mailed me, showing beginning signs of progress in changing his Worrier-patterned thoughts:

I wonder if God is going to leave me stuck like this the rest of my life. Other people are living their lives. It seems like I’m always left far behind. Yes, I know I’m supposed to think positive, but it’s hard when I feel so closed up. But I did go out for a walk today after work. And when I called my girlfriend, I stopped myself from dumping on her about how down I felt. I think the new antidepressant is working too, because this morning I woke up feeling lighter. I actually thanked God for the sunny day.

For more on how to transform the Worrier personality pattern, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST 

 

Moses and The Worrier Pattern

In the Book of Exodus, God asks Moses to meet with Pharaoh and demand that the Hebrew slaves be set free.

And Moses’ reply? He exclaims, “But I’m not the person for a job like that!” (Ex 3:11).

God makes several more requests, and Moses responds:

O Lord, I’m just not a good speaker. I never have been, and I’m not now, even after you have spoken to me. 
I have a speech impediment. 
Lord, please! Send someone else. 
But look, my own people won’t even listen to me anymore; how can I expect Pharaoh to? I’m no orator!

Many people think of Moses as one of the strongest personalities in the Bible. But when God initially approaches him, Moses responds in the Worrier pattern: “I can’t do it and that’s that.” Ultimately, though, Moses’ meekness becomes the fulcrum for an eventual wholeness and friendship with God.

Like other people stuck on the Weakness compass point, Moses is plagued with self-doubt about his identity. An abandoned Hebrew child who grows up in Pharaoh’s palace, he never truly fits in. He wonders if he is Egyptian royalty or a Hebrew slave. He ends up ill-at-ease around everybody, as is typical of the Worrier. One day a crisis develops when he observes an Egyptian guard beating an Israelite mud worker. Moses’ repressed feelings erupt and he murders the guard, burying the body in the sand. When Pharaoh hears about it, he seeks to kill Moses.

Moses avoids his social troubles as Worriers do—he withdraws to Midian, a desert wilderness where he lives for forty years. He names a son Gershom, meaning “foreigner,” for Moses says, “I am a stranger in a foreign land” (Ex 2:22 TLB). 

The Self Compass and the Worrier Pattern

The Worrier pattern cuts you off from the Strength compass point. You shrink from the risks required for an actualizing personality in Christ. Disconnected from the Assertion compass point, you avoid standing up for yourself. Not exercising the Love compass point, you become incapable of giving and receiving trust and affection. You end up feeling all alone.

Leveraged out on the Weakness compass point, the Worrier withdraws from social situations, yet longs to participate in life. You lose the virtue of healthy weakness—its humility and empathy—and instead become helpless and held back by procrastination. “I’ll do it someday.” But that someday never comes.

God knew Moses’ potential for personality wholeness. After appearing to him in the burning bush, the Lord led him on a journey to make real his potential. Moses did not come around easily, but he cooperated enough to face his Worrier pattern.

Moses kept talking to God. Though he dragged his feet and complained a fair amount, Moses followed God’s directives. The result? Moses underwent a gradual but effective personality transformation.

Exodus describes how Moses confronted Pharaoh (Assertion compass point), encouraged people to trust in God (Love compass point), led the Israelites through the Red Sea (Strength compass point), and on Mount Sinai humbly received the Ten Commandments (Weakness compass point).

Slowly, Moses developed into a humbly competent leader, with great compassion for the people he led.

For more on how to do outgrow the Avoidant Worrier personality pattern like Moses did, read:

THE SELF COMPASS:

CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST