Are You An Antisocial Rule-breaker?

The Antisocial Rule-breaker personality pattern (or personality disorder) relies on a set of unconscious assumptions that directly affect how you perceive, think, feel, and act.

Emotional Dynamics

The Antisocial Rule-breaker pattern requires you to deny and conceal your real emotions. Thick-skinned and self-contained, you treat people like pawns in the chess game of life. You avoid sincere communication because you don’t want to cultivate intimacy, which could give other people control over you. You suspect those who show you goodwill, believing it to be an attempt to exploit. 

The Rule-breaker pattern triggers emotions that stem from social resentment: hostility toward authority, anger when challenged, frustration in the face of delayed gratification, excitement when conning someone, and pleasure when outsmarting people. The price paid for these defensive tactics? Chronic inner emptiness and feelings of alienation from life and God.

Rule-breaker Body Language

It seems like you gaze directly, conveying a fearless nonchalance. You’re actually sizing up a person for any signs of trust you can exploit.

How about the soft, seductive look? It beguiles people to feel curious and intrigued. They sense your creative flair, but don’t know it will be used against them.

Then there’s the innocent smile. This look says, “You can trust me with your deepest secret. I’ve been around and I can help you out in life. You need someone like me to take care of things.”  

The apostle Paul understood this pattern: “By smooth talk and glowing words they deceive innocent people” (Rom 16:18 NLT).

Rule-breaker Self-Talk

The automatic self-talk of the Rule-breaker pattern focuses on self against the world, and sounds like this:

• I need to look out for myself.
• It’s all right for me to say one thing and do another.
• If I don’t take advantage of people, someone else will.
• Following rules is stupid. Take what you can get and run.
• I get a thrill from breaking rules and thumbing my nose at authority.

The Antisocial Rule-breaker Pattern in Action

I am relaying a true story, camouflaging the details, of an experience I had years ago. 

Dr. S. was an ambitious young psychiatrist with a thriving practice who wanted to share my office space with me. He seemed friendly and professional, so I agreed. I liked his gift of the gab and boisterous, off-the-wall humor.

I really enjoyed the first month of our association. Dr. S. would come bouncing into the clinic, brimming with energy and cracking jokes. But by the third month his happy-go-lucky smile had waned. He came to my office and said that the IRS was giving him problems. Could I pay his portion of the month’s rent? He said he’d pay me back the following month.

But he didn’t.

“You’re first on my list, Danny boy. I’m expecting some checks to arrive any day now from my patients’ insurance claims.”

But that day never came.

In our seventh month together, Dr. S. asked if he could try out one of the personality assessments that I used with my clients. “I’d like to borrow your computer’s scoring code so I can score one test,” he said. “I’ll pay you for it next week.”

Since I was used to trusting professional colleagues, I agreed. So I was shocked when I received a sizable bill from the testing company. Dr. S. had processed twenty of these pricey tests under my name.

I confronted him.

I would never do such a thing,” Dr. S. protested. “The company has obviously made a mistake. I’ll phone them right now and get it straightened out.”

He sounded so sincere that I questioned my judgment.

The worst was yet to come. The following week, Dr. S. entered my office, looking crestfallen. “Dan, buddy, I’m real sorry about this, but the insurance companies are hassling me big time. I’m going to have to declare bankruptcy. I’ll have to write off the money I owe you.” He smiled sorrowfully and walked out.

Finally acknowledging the reality of a Rule-breaker pattern in action, that week I dissolved our association and found a new office.

Dr. S. wrote me a scathing letter. “I’m appalled at your disloyalty. You are not a true friend!”

For more on the Antisocial Rule-breaker personality pattern, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: 

Charting Your Personality In Christ

The Self Compass and Personality Disorders

How does the Self Compass help you understand personality disorders?

Here's how. The LAWS of personality and relationships form four universal compass points of Love and Assertion, Weakness and Strength.

A personality pattern is a set of manipulative behaviors stemming from unconscious assumptions that directly affect how you perceive, think, feel, and act. Whether you became this way through how you were parented or other factors, you can only change a personality disorder through accurate insight and new choices.

There are primarily nine patterns that hamper personality growth, shown as they are located on the Self Compass. They are serious enough to undermine your attempts for love and happiness. But you can change them more easily than most people think. Self Compass knowledge is the key.

These descriptors are psychologically accurate, yet easy to remember because in the compass model, we pair the clinical name of the disorder with a descriptor that anyone can understand. You can think of these terms as temporary descriptions of a person’s behavior until that you make new choices that reflect personality balance and constructive change.

• Those stuck in the Dependent Pleaser and Histrionic Storyteller personality patterns exaggerate the Love compass point. Too much love makes them compliant or attention craving. They don't realize that they lack a stable identity within themselves.
• Paranoid Arguer and Antisocial Rule-breaker patterned people are stuck on the Assertion compass point. Too much assertion makes them argumentative or exploitive. 
• Avoidant Worrier and Schizoid Loner patterned people are stuck on the Weakness compass point. Too much weakness makes them withdrawn or detached. 
• Narcissistic Boaster and Compulsive Controller patterned people are stuck on the Strength compass point. Too much strength makes them arrogant or compulsive.  
• Borderline Challengers flip-flop from the Top Dog patterns of Strength and Assertion into the Underdog patterns of Weakness and Love and back again. This unstable volatility makes the borderline person believe that everyone else is responsible for their troubles, when the truth is their own personality pattern is to blame.

Most people lay claim to several of these patterns at some point in their lives. But the Self Compass both diagnoses the problem and shows you how to fix it. Whatever compass point your personality is stuck on determines your path for getting unstuck. If you are stuck in the Worrier pattern on the Weakness compass point, you take growth stretches primarily toward the opposite compass point: Strength. Over time, you move from self-defeating thoughts like “No one feels as scared as I do. I may as well give up,” to “I might blow this, because I’m human. But I’m doing it anyway.”

In our book The Self Compass my wife Kate illustrates the Controller Pattern this way:

I hand Dan my printed-out chapter to edit. He picks up the red pen and starts in, crossing out here, adding words there, deleting whole sentences. I bite my tongue to keep from protesting. My shoulders tighten, my jaw clenches, and I watch him like a hawk, ready to swoop down in defense of a brilliant phrase that must be kept just so. 

Even though I know objectively that Dan’s editing greatly improves my writing, when the Controller pattern has the upper hand, I feel driven to present him with a draft so perfect he won’t need to change a thing. 

Without a compass correction, this inner tension would spill over into our relationship, making it difficult for Dan to give honest feedback for fear of upsetting me. Then we’d both be held hostage to the harsh taskmaster of perfection.

Personality patterns left unchecked can undermine and even destroy relationships. They hamper your ability to love God and others as yourself, keeping you from fulfilling Christ’s purpose for your personality. 

To find out more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST

12 Ways to Increase Romantic Love

Romantic love can be increased or destroyed. Increasing what deepens love and removing what damages it will make your romantic love connection endearing and enduring.

A specialty of mine over 35 years of doing therapy is romantic love in heterosexual relationships. This includes dating, engagement, and marriage. I'm going to give you a quick tour of how to increase rather than destroy the love of your life. Follow these principles by using the Self Compass and your couples relationship will definitely improve and flourish!

First, here is what the Self Compass looks like. Notice that the complementary compass points are Love and Assertion, Weakness and Strength. These are the LAWS of personality and relationships. Each compass point exists in your personality. The healthy expression of each compass point is required to sustain a loving relationship. When one or more compass points are ignored or distorted, romantic love deteriorates into hurt, sadness, anxiety, and anger.

Let's move through the compass points one by one as I share principles drawn from each compass point that contribute to growing and staying in love:

LOVE

1. Clearly express your love, admiration, and awe for your partner into words, actions, and emotions. Many people fear giving their partner too many compliments or being too demonstrative. They starve the relationship of the emotional nutrition it needs. Get over your fear of going over the top, especially if you are a man. Show love without reservation.
2. Find something every day that you can do to help your partner have a better day. Do an errand for them. Give a surprise gift. Take them on a spontaneous date. Even go with them to the grocery store so that you can enjoy each other's company.
3. Encourage them to keep sharing their life story, drawing them out with interested questions. Express empathy for the pain they have known. Help them feel visible to you, that they really matter. This is one of the greatest gifts you'll ever give, and you can keep giving it throughout life.
4. Don't let your sexual life become mechanical and routine. The whole body and the whole personality are part of one's sexual identity. Build your sensual pleasure bond through kisses when you meet. Hold hands in movies. Sometimes in bed, touch each other with no expectation of intercourse. Caress with the eyes to let your partner see how attractive they are to you, their soul included!

 ASSERTION

1. Keep on developing your personality with the full use of your Self Compass. Assert yourself to challenge old habits that irritate your love-mate. Exert yourself to develop an interpersonal psychology that supports, rather than frustrates, romantic love.
2. When you experience unfairness, bad treatment, or hurtful behavior from your partner, say so. But make sure you use diplomatic assertion, not explosive anger, pouting, and nagging. With diplomatic assertion you remain calm while describing what has hurt or offended you; then you wait patiently as your partner explains their perspective. This back and forth conversation is the heart pulse of keeping romantic love alive.
3. Remember that your partner can never read your mind or guess your feelings correctly. Everything that you want your partner to know you must tell them, clearly and sincerely. Remove all traces of sarcasm (even sarcastic humor) or putdowns from your speech, so that your sincerity will always register as trustworthy and true.
4. Do not on any account lapse into harsh language, name calling, cursing at your partner, or slamming them with verbal blows, as these rupture communication and sow seeds that can destroy intimacy. 

 WEAKNESS

1. When you have purposefully or inadvertently hurt your partner, an apology is in order. Many people don't know how to apologize, but good lovers must learn to apologize often and well. Simply state where you overstepped your bounds or whatever you did wrong. Express regret. Say that you're going to work on this so that you can make improvements. "I'm sorry that I criticized your driving on the way to the movie. I'm sorry I used the word 'lunatic driver.' You are really a good driver and I had no right to make you self-conscious. I'm going to work on my criticalness so that I don't keep doing this." Now the incident can be forgiven.
2. Take time to tell your partner about your life before them: your childhood, your family of origin dynamics, how you felt toward your mom and dad, how your family handled emotions and self-esteem for family members. All of this can be spread out over the years, but it provides vital information for your partner to understand you better, and even help to heal certain psychological wounds. 
3. Be careful about sharing too much about a past boyfriend or girlfriend, especially if it's positive. This can trigger jealousy in your partner, and understandably so. They want to feel they are number one in your heart with no existing rivals.
4. Be transparent about current anxiety, depression, or anything else that can confuse your partner if they don't know about it. In a good romantic relationship, you both have freedom to express your real feelings, so that you can help each other understand and process them as part of healthy living.

STRENGTH

1. You want just the right amount of strength in a love relationship. Too much makes you an arrogant know-it-all who is emotionally aloof and even superior to your partner. Too little strength will trigger a helpless neediness where you overly rely on your partner to make you happy.
2. Use your Strength Compass point to express confidence that the two of you can talk through any problem and overcome any obstacles. Show perseverance to keep conversations going on controversial topics, instead of insisting that you are always right.
3. Use your personal power in the relationship to make sure your partner is treated fairly. Go out of your way to hear your partner's point of view and restate it to them to their satisfaction. That way they will trust that you aren't using your strength against them or to always get your way.
4. Apply your strength to have spiritual faith in God to guide and bless your romantic love as opposed to thinking only you know what is best.

Here is a good book for couples who want romantic love to flourish over the years: The Self Compass: Charting Your Personality In Christ. I often invite couples in Compass Therapy to read the book together. Far better, though, to read it and apply its principles so that you'll never need therapy!

For more about staying in love, see:

STAYING IN LOVE: 

DR. DAN & SIGGY'S GUIDE TO COUPLES LOVE

The Self Compass and the Year of Faith

It has come to my attention that the Catholic Church has declared October 11, 2012 to November 24, 2013 as The Year of Faith. As a committed Christian and theologian-psychologist I applaud this emphasis. 

I believe The Year of Faith expresses the heartfelt cry of Christians worldwide to draw close to the Lord Jesus Christ in our modern day. As Paul says, “There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all” (Ephesians 4:4-6).

When the Catechism of the Catholic Church first came out I read it cover to cover in a week. It is a profoundly spiritual, Scriptural, and psychologically sensitive work. Pope Benedict XVI, when he was still Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, was a chief architect of the Catechism. 

I want to share with you one powerful paragraph from Pope Benedict's apostolic letter “Porta Fidei” that has introduced The Year of Faith. I do this with admiration for his spirit of pastoral care—and with the conviction that he is speaking on behalf of the Body of Christ, Catholics and Protestants alike:

“The Year of Faith is a summons to an authentic and renewed conversion to the Lord, the one Savior of the world. In the mystery of his death and resurrection, God has revealed in its fullness the Love that saves and calls us to conversion of life through the forgiveness of sins (cf. Acts 5:31). For Saint Paul, this Love ushers us into a new life: “We were buried ... with him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life” (Rom 6:4). Through faith, this new life shapes the whole of human existence according to the radical new reality of the resurrection. To the extent that he freely cooperates, man’s thoughts and affections, mentality and conduct are slowly purified and transformed, on a journey that is never completely finished in this life. “Faith working through love” (Gal 5:6) becomes a new criterion of understanding and action that changes the whole of man’s life” (cf. Rom 12:2; Col 3:9-10; Eph 4:20-29; 2 Cor 5:17).

As the Pope says, personal transformation “is a journey never completely finished in this life.” But we can benefit from psychological and spiritual tools that help us move forward. One of these is the Self Compass. The Self Compass helps us renew our personal conversion to Jesus and cooperate with the Holy Spirit in guiding our daily lives. 

This Vatican has endorsed the Compass Model for personality transformation because it is based on Christ's personality, and therefore supports "the radical new reality of his resurrection" in our personalities. By applying the Self Compass growth tool, your life can be "purified and transformed" during this Year of Faith.

LOVE & ASSERTION

Faith is deeply connected to personality health. Faith helps to counter the corrosive effects of anxiety, depression, and anger. The Self Compass promotes personality health and thereby increases a person's faith. 

Love and Assertion are two complementary compass points within every person's Self Compass. What is the connection between faith and Love? In order to love God or another person, we must reach out to them. We must open our hearts. We must risk caring for them. This requires faith! I have counseled hundreds of people who suddenly received this insight and gasped: "Oh no, now I realize I've lived my whole life to be safely self-contained. I've been too afraid to ever really love anyone." 

To grow in Love requires the courage of Assertion. Mary risked trusting the Angel Gabriel's message to her. Though she no doubt felt some fear, and though she certainly didn't know how she could become the Mother of our Lord, she ended the conversation assertively: "May everything you have said about me come true" (Luke 1:38). Mary dared to assertively express faith in the God whom she loved and trusted. We can become more like Mary.

WEAKNESS AND STRENGTH

Spend a few concentrated moments today or tonight hungering and thirsting for Christ’s presence in your life. Don’t be afraid of any Weakness. Integrate your vulnerability and even self-doubts into your faith in God’s Strength. The Catechism says, “Only faith can embrace the mysterious ways of God’s almighty power. This faith glories in its weaknesses in order to draw to itself Christ’s power” (273). Out of Weakness we are made strong. This humble Strength is what God loves to foster in us. A rhythm between Weakness and Strength never makes us arrogant.  

The Self Compass helps you cooperate with grace, so that in Pope Benedict's words, your "thoughts and affections, mentality and conduct are slowly purified and transformed." 

In case it might help your journey of faith this year, I'm including a link to God and Your Personality: The Newly Revised Catholic Edition. You can imagine my humble gratitude when Pope Benedict's personal theologian wrote and told me that this book had been added to his personal library. 

Paul Cardinal Poupard of The Vatican has this to say: “God & Your Personality is no New Age influenced waffle clouded in a mystique of blurb, but a useful tool for all those who seek to address personality issues and quench their innate spiritual thirst with the living-water which truly satisfies.”

 

GOD AND YOUR PERSONALITY

Why Your Personality Matters to Jesus

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts.

—Ps 51:6 NIV

The sun has arced to its highest point in the desert sky as the wind sculpts patterns in the sand, which is all the eye can see in any direction, save for a white-robed man seated by the edge of an ancient well, and a Samaritan woman standing nearby, a water jug by her side. 

She is asking questions. And giving replies.

Surface replies, that bat away insight. Openness. Transparency.

The man persists.

Still there is avoidance. Refusal to go deeper.

Again, he persists, now with home truths about this woman.

Truths that shock. Truths about her real self.

Her response?

Not defensiveness. Not resistance.

But honesty.

And surrender.

To the Son of God.

“Come,” the Samaritan woman entreats the townspeople, “come, see a man who told me everything I ever did” (Jn 4:29 NIV).

Come, invites Jesus. Open yourself to me. Your interior self. Your personality and behavior. Your person-hood matters to me. 

Why is that, Lord? Why is my personality important?

Knowing the truth about your inner self allows you to “do what is true” Jesus says. This self-knowledge will set you free so that you can better love God and others as you love yourself (Mk 12:30-31).

As you examine and refine thoughts and actions, behavior and feelings, you develop the loving connection God desires with you. And build satisfying relationships with other people that flourish, and do no harm. For “there is nothing outside a person that by going in can defile, but the things that come out are what defile” (Mk 7:14). Only when you take action concerning the truth about your inner self can you “come to the light” (Jn 3:21).

What sort of action, Lord? How do I grow in the ability to love you and other people as I love myself?

To discover more, read:

THE SELF COMPASS: CHARTING YOUR PERSONALITY IN CHRIST